Tag: Family

Pregnancy After Miscarriage

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

In my post about my miscarriage, I touched on what pregnancy was like for me after my miscarriage.  While I understand everyone’s experience is vastly different, my pregnancy after miscarriage was a huge emotional roller coaster.  I think many people, including myself, thought that a positive pregnancy test after what we’d been through would be a ray of sunshine and hope.  And while there were those moments, for sure, there were also many, many moments of worry and concern over this new baby’s journey.

Just four months into this pregnancy, I began leaking fluids and panicked.  I prepared myself for the worst and how I would be able to handle another heartbreak.  All turned out to be fine, thank goodness, but this was one of many moments when I braced myself for the worst.  Even at the birth, our little sweetheart had shoulder dystocia, a cord wrapped around his neck, and an arm positioned around his neck as he made his entrance.  When I was finally done birthing, I pulled myself up, saw he was a boy, and collapsed, still holding onto the fear that perhaps he hadn’t made it.

I felt that fragility about his life for many days and weeks and months after he was born, and it sucked.  Of course, as a mama, I want to have faith in my kids and their journeys and this world I’ve helped bring them into.  I want to trust in their strong bodies and their resilience.  But sometimes that’s just hard to do.  And because of my miscarriage, that was REALLY hard for me to do for a long time.

Today, our little man is running around the house, happy and crazy and loving and so very loved.  He is very strong and healthy and loves to show us how fast he is.  I’m still a mama who worries, probably more than most.  But, that panicked feeling I used to carry as an undercurrent has finally subsided.  And that is truly a blessing in and of itself.

One of the trickiest things I remember when I first got pregnant five months after the miscarriage was how to announce the news to my family.  It felt so much more weighty than a typical announcement, and so this is the letter I wrote:

 

I’ve learned so much this year.  What outwardly might sound like such a heart-breaking thing – a miscarriage – has actually left me with deep gratitude and so many opportunities for growth.

~I’ve learned our sweet spring baby signed on for a most courageous journey that helped and continues to help shape our lives.

~I’ve learned you can love a soul with all your being, even though you’ve never met.

~Despite some of my hesitations about Western medicine or hospitals, I’ve learned that the doctors, nurses, and staff I saw in June were Angels doing God’s work with skill, kindness, and compassion.

~And despite my extreme squeamishness about blood and needles, I’ve learned that whenever and wherever I can, I will be donating blood.  I will always remember the feeling of most profound gratitude as I watched someone else’s blood enter my body and save my life.

~I’ve learned that many, many women and families have their own sad stories.  Friends and acquaintances came out of the woodworks sharing their miscarriage experiences with me.  There is no “safe zone” in pregnancy or in life.  All you can do is breathe, love, have faith, and be present.

~Even though I used to skirt around other people’s tough topics, I’ve learned that many people really do want to talk about stuff.  That’s all I’ve wanted to do.  When other people are brave enough to ask how I am doing with everything, they don’t make me sad.  They invite me to talk.  To process.  To heal.

~I’ve learned that once a woman reaches age 35, she will likely be bombarded with frightening medical stats and exhaustive risk lists if she so much as thinks the word, “pregnancy.”

~I’ve learned just how incredible our friends and families are.  In a situation where other women may have regretted sharing their baby news early on, I was so grateful we had.  The outpouring of love and support helped more than I can say.

~I’ve learned that (our daughter) is even stronger than the tough little cookie I had already known her to be. She stayed up all night in the ER this June with zero fussing or meltdowns, watching her mama during some very intense moments. She came through everything with an effortless and deep understanding of what our baby’s soul had signed on for. This very proud and loving Big Sister kissed my belly for months and months after the miscarriage to send the kisses to Baby in Heaven.

~I’ve learned that (my husband) is more supportive than I ever thought possible.  He radiated calm and reassurance when I needed it, despite the panic he later admitted to feeling.  He’s literally been a shoulder to cry on—loud, deep sobs I never knew existed.  And all the while he’s here, listening, loving, and supporting what I need to work through, while processing his own stuff as well.

~I’ve learned that even though Baby was only here 10 1/2 weeks, Baby will be in our hearts forever.  There’s no forgetting, no replacing.

~For many months, I viewed my experience as an example of powerlessness and weakness.  I’ve learned now to start viewing it as quite the opposite.  To suddenly lose our baby’s life and come so close to losing my own.  To physically experience what I did and come through it.  To take such an experience and look right at it and feel the sadness and loss and fear, instead of ignoring them…These are all examples of my body and soul’s strengths.

~I’ve learned that in the place I was fractured, my soul is growing back stronger.

 

I write all this so you know where I’m coming from…still processing, still healing, still a messy, wonderful, crazy mix of emotions and thoughts—sadness, relief, anxiety, gratitude, fear, confusion, comfort, faith, insecurity, hopefulness…

But the only one that really matters right now, the only one I can let win out right now is love.  Love for so many things.  Love for so many people, friends, and family.  Love for (my husband) and (our daughter) and myself.  Love for our sweet spring baby who will always be in our hearts…

 

…and Love for our new baby growing in my tummy now!

Will you join us in loving this new baby?

-estimated arrival July/August-

 

When I had my miscarriage, I scoured the Internet for articles and information.  I wanted to read other people’s experiences and not feel so alone.

When I got pregnant after miscarriage, I did the same, but found surprisingly little.  I wanted to post this for my past self and for anyone who might be helped by it, even a little bit.  Sending out so much love.

 

Other posts you might be interested in:

My Miscarriage

Little Women

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

Little Women (1868-9) by Louisa May Alcott

In my 20s, pre-husband and kids, I went through a phase of reading this book every winter.  It was one of my all-time favorites.  I loved that tradition too, but haven’t quite been able to get those 562 fine print pages into my life since mamahood.  I adored Greta Gerwig’s approach to the story, and I’ve loved reading about Alcott’s life–wow.  I’m really, REALLy hoping to visit Orchard House soon, but we’ll see.  Having not read through the book in over a decade, I feel ill-equipped to make too many remarks at the moment, only to say that if you’ve never visited this book, I highly recommend you do.  I recently read a modern, young reader take on the story, which I also loved, Littler Women.

Last year Orchard House was offering some virtual tours which helped support them through the shut-downs.  They were so fun to watch, and what a great place to support.

I just found these vintage paper dolls, which I also had to share.

 

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Littler Women

Embracing Clutter

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

There are thousands of books and articles about de-cluttering.  Yes, I know it’s better for our mental health and energy levels to live in a clutter-free environment.  I know not everyone is on board with this “clutter-free” idea, but I happen to fully agree.  It’s just…

It’s not in my natural instinct, for one.  Which, granted, is no excuse.  But I also realize that, especially as a parent, I’m constantly faced with choices.  And as nice as a clutter-free, tidy home might sound, it just never ranks as a top priority for me.  So, I can either stress and fight against the chaos that is our home, or I can step over the clutter on the floor and live my life.  And, lately, I’m really trying for the latter.

I don’t like my kids sitting in front of a TV.  I borderline loathe it.  I’ve turned to it more this past year than I would care to admit to myself.  But when it comes to daily routine, I can either plop them in front of a screen while I tidy or spend that time letting them play (and, let’s face it, make more mess).  Yes, I know the ever-present idea that they should be involved in the clean-up.  I agree…to a point.  I once went with my daughter to a playdate when we were new to an area, and the mom spent the. entire. time. on the kids’ cases to clean up.  She followed each of their activities madly putting things away, instead of just letting them enjoy their time and letting us sit and get to know each other.  We easily could have cleaned up before leaving.  It was stressful and awkward, and it made me really happy for our messy home.

I believe kids’ jobs are to play.  I think many adults cling to an idea that if their three-year old doesn’t clean up his every mess that he will become some irresponsible, slob of an adult.  My kids do help to an extent, but they’re kids.  Not mini adults.  And frankly, if I don’t want to be tidying, why spend my time nagging my kids to do so?  My kids are also highly creative.  With homeschool and, apparently, parents who don’t need a Pinterest-perfect home, it’s game-on for creative projects.  There are always bits of paper everywhere and elaborate constructions of toys.  There are usually pillows and blankets dragged out for forts or boats or whatever make-believe play has struck their fancy.

At nighttime, I’d rather snuggle them to sleep with stories than close the door and participate in the cruel and antiquated “cry it out” mentality, regardless of their ages.  I remember how frightening nighttime could be for me, even as an older kiddo.  I want our kids to feel safe and comforted.  To me, this is part of the job.  Sure, it sucks sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  So, instead of doing a quick evening tidy, I’m in our family bed cuddling and telling stories.  Again, tidying takes a backseat.

And then there’s me.  I’d much rather spend my “free” time (Ha!) sewing or creating something (or typing this) than tidying up.  It’s just not high on my priority scale.  The result sounds nice, but… Nah.  And maybe this makes me lazy or a procrastinator.  But, honestly, the stuff will eventually get picked up.  It’s not like the kids will be teens and we’ll be stepping over these same piles of stuff that are here now.  (No, we’ll have new piles of stuff by then, of course!)

I also have this environmental weakness for always wanting to find a creative re-use for an item.  This is something that is never covered in de-cluttering manuals–The Obsessive Environmentalist.  So, at any given time, our cupboards have old toothpaste caps and outgrown baby socks and empty floss containers and old vitamin bottles, and a huge array of other miscellany.  (Please tell me I’m not the only one who does this!)

And, oh, the kids’ artwork!   When we had to evacuate last year for a fire, this was the top thing on my mind.  And even though I’ve tried to take photos of their creations, and I realize it’s about the process mainly at this stage, I still value these far too much to just recycle them.  And my kids create a LOT of art.  And a lot of awkwardly-shaped art.  It’s part of what comes from the flexible days of homeschool and the lack of directed projects.  I have buckets and places for these, but that doesn’t stop them from creeping all over the house.  Ah, well.  Another winner over the tidy house.

Obviously this is something I could rattle on about for awhile–mainly, I’m sure, in an attempt to convince myself it’s OK to be living in a messy house.  But with so many picture-perfect homes out there covering the Internet, it’s important for us chaotic, messy homes to stick together and realize a clutter-free life ain’t everything.  If a cluttered desk is a cluttered mind, then what the heck is an empty one?*

 

*Arguably, many Zen-type followers may be hoping for a clear and “empty” mind, and I applaud that.  But, at this stage of life, I’ll take my lot of ideas and thoughts, Thank you.

Care Packages

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

It is definitely a time for care packages.  There are so many circumstances right now that call for a little (or a lot of) extra love, whether it’s sickness or loneliness or a family effected financially.  Even just a general cheer boost is so very needed right now.

When I hear about someone is struggling, whether it’s during Covid or otherwise, I always want to reach out and do something.  I often struggle though with where to begin.  What to say.  What to send.  Especially when the circumstances are very tough, it’s hard to know just what to do.

I’ve been the very grateful recipient of some amazing care packages and gestures during times I really needed it, and this has been a big help in me getting over the hurdle of overthinking things and just reaching out with what feels right at the time.

 

The occasions when a care package is a good idea are endless, but here’s a small list based on when I’ve received or sent one:

–Expecting a new baby
–After a miscarriage 
–After an operation or surgery or treatment
–A birthday
–After a divorce or break-up
–For the parents or siblings after a new baby’s arrival
–For a big celebration- new job, new house, new pet, retirement
–When someone is sick
–After losing a loved one
–For someone who will be alone on a holiday
–After a major life event, happy or sad

 

Obviously, the occasions are limitless.  Every care package I’ve received over the years has put so much joy into my heart.  And while something sent via an online store is fun too, there is definitely something extra special about the time and effort of a hand-packed package.  So, here are some ideas for what to put inside:

—Homemade cookies (These usually travel well, unless there are terrible mail delays.  I often make the cookies ahead of time and freeze them for a few days to give them a little extra chance.  I think homemade cookies are good for pretty much any occasion.  (A friend even sent a whole box of cookies to us after my mother-in-law passed away, and they were very much welcomed and appreciated.)

–Store-bought food goodies (After I gave birth to my first kiddo, my sister sent a whole package of baby/mini-sized store-bought snacks for me, and I still think back to how wonderful those tasted.  New mamas are HUNGRY!)

—Homemade granola  {If I’m sending homemade treats in a priority box where weight doesn’t matter, I love reusing/upcycling glass jars to package them.  There are also eco-friendly, compostable sandwich bags available at stores for affordable prices.}

–Bath tea blend (I bought a bag of homemade bath tea after I gave birth to my first baby, and I loved how relaxing and calming it felt, even amidst the chaos.  Bath blends could be great for anytime, but especially when someone needs extra love and self-care.  There are some very simple blend ideas online.)

–Eye pillow (These are fairly easy to sew your own)

—Corn bags

 

—Paper fortune cookies

–“Hugs” (In a recent care package I sent out, I wanted so badly to be able to give hugs, so I cut out small hearts and wrote a “hug” message on each of them.  I wrote a separate hug from each member of our family to each member of their family.  So for their family of five I had five hearts from each one of our four family members, making 20 hearts total.  ” A hug from Mary to Jon”. “A hug from Mary to Natalie” etc.  I put them in a small envelope along with everything else.)

–Pajamas.  (Something about a well-chosen set of soft pajamas just says comfort and self-care.)

–Ditto with slippers

–A hand-written card (Never underestimate the power of your words, even if those words are, “I don’t know what to say right now.”)

–Artwork (If you love painting or creating, or if you have kids who do, this is a great thing to include.)

–If kids are on the receiving end, it’s always fun to include something extra for them (while being conscious of things like the mess or effort it puts on the parents, the interests of the kids, and the environmental impact).

—Homemade play-dough.  (It’s not just for kids.  There’s something very relaxing about working with dough, and an adult is probably more likely to try this if it’s sent as a gift.)

–Coloring pages (As above, not just for kids)

 

Care packages are ultimately about the thought–the care you put into the package and the care you’re sending someone’s way.  I try my best to stay away from items that will add more work for the recipient, but, of course, I’ve also got the environmental bug in my ear as well.  Hopefully, the recipient will feel the love and thought that went into what’s been sent and know they’re on my heart.  What can be better than a surprise package in the mailbox that reminds us that someone cares

Video Gifts

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

Update:  There are so many wonderful services that do all this for you now!!   This post (below) feels outdated, because given the choice I feel it’s definitely worth it to use a service to do this!

Get Montage
This one is brand-new to me, and I am in love with it.  It lets participants add their own pre-recorded videos or use their site to film.  It stitches all the videos together with light music and even offers a reaction video.  The site sends all participants a copy of the final video.  Having made these on my own for years, I’m just beyond grateful for this option!

KudoBoard
While the GetMontage above is focused more on videos, I like that KudoBoard offers itself more to a combination of videos, old photos, and even visual “cards” and typed messages.  I’ve been a participant and organizer for a few KudoBoards, but I’m sure there are still features I have yet to explore.

 

I’m positive there are other great, similar sites out there, but those are the two I’ve come across.  Here are the steps I used to take to create these “from scratch.”  While I probably won’t do many this way anymore, it might be a good option if you have a specific vision or you want more control over editing other people’s videos or the background music choices.

I love making videos for people!  The idea is simple– I reach out to friends and family asking for a short video message for the recipient.  I compile the videos.  I send it!

The process doesn’t always feel as simple…but it’s always worth it.  I’ve done this for friends and family when it’s a birthday, a graduation, a wedding, and, a couple of times, for people who were very sick.  It’s a way to show someone you love how much they’re loved.  And, it’s something they can watch again and again.

This digital world has made it easy for us to gather messages from friends and family, no matter where they are.  And this year, especially, the video projects have been a great way to “be there” for people when we couldn’t actually be present.

–I start by sending out an email or texts to friends and family asking them to record a short message.  I explain who it’s for, who I am (if some of the people may not know me), and what occasion it’s for.  I like to let people put their own spin on the message, but sometimes a bit of guidance helps.  Letting people know it doesn’t have to be long or fancy.  Letting them know it can be silly or creative, if that applies to the celebration.  And, then the important part–setting a deadline.  It feels weird creating a deadline when I know I’ll usually be compiling these at the last minute anyway, but many of these projects would be impossible if every video came rolling in at the end.  And, people tend to need reminders…

–Send a gentle reminder as the deadline is approaching.  Remind the people who haven’t turned a video in yet, how much it will mean to the recipient to see them.  Also, remind them their video can be as simple as a selfie wave and “Happy birthday!” or whatever the occasion is.

–Start compiling the videos on iMovie, or whatever program you have, as they come in.

–Don’t forget to acknowledge and thank each participant as you receive the videos!!

–Leave time for technology to be difficult.  It happens every time, without fail.  It seems so straightforward, and then technology gives me the runaround-argh.

–I load the completed video onto Dropbox so I can share the link, since the finished videos are usually too long for any message.  Perhaps Google Drive works for these too?  And others, I’m sure.

–Remember to send the video on the special occasion!

–I like to reach out and thank all those that have participated one more time and let them know how much the recipient enjoyed the video.

 

I mentioned some of the occasions I’ve done this for, but the possibilities are endless:

-Birthday (especially milestones, but doesn’t have to be..)

-Anniversary

-New baby

-Engagement or wedding

-Graduation

-Retirement

-Holiday (This one has become especially timely this year.  If someone is forced to spend a holiday alone, holiday messages or songs could be a wonderful way to cheer someone.)

-Mother’s Day or Father’s Day from the kids

-Congratulations for an accomplishment

-Someone who could use cheering up (You can ask for jokes or silly/unique videos.  Or just messages of love)

-Someone who is hurt or sick (Again, especially in this time when those who are sick aren’t always able to see visitors.)

-Someone who deserves extra appreciation (Videos of gratitude are so wonderful to collect and send!)

 

Other ideas:

–You can also do solo videos, obviously.  While there’s definitely something special about a heartfelt handwritten message or a phone call, a video can be a nice way for your friend or family member to “see” you, and it allows you to have a chance to speak from your heart and say what you’d like to say.  This works great for those times or occasions when you might like the idea of a video message, but might not be up for making a whole video collection.

–The videos don’t have to be messages, necessarily.  You could ask people to tell jokes or stories, perform songs or dances, read poetry or book passages, teach a skill, etc.

 

For someone who shies away from technology, I sure do appreciate what it can do.  Watching the messages people contribute for these projects warms my heart so much.  I love this memorable and free group gift.

 

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