Witches: The Transformative Power of Women Working Together

Posted on January 22, 2021February 6, 2021 by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

Witches: The Transformative Power of Women Working Together (2019)
by Sam George-Allen

(This book has SOoo much to reflect on that I know this post will be a series of digressions, and, for that, I apologize in advance.)

I picked this book up in a round-about way. After reading Anna Meriano’s Love Sugar Magic series with my seven-year-old, she was all about brujas (witches). There were spells and grinding of herbs and all sorts of make-believe happening here. As I usually do in these situations, I hopped online and ordered every single witch or spell book I could find at the local library.

Many of the books we ended up with weren’t quite what I was looking for at the time, but this one by Sam George-Allen pulled me in immediately. It’s a book written for adults, but this book reaches far beyond the reader. And while I didn’t read this to my daughter (yet), it will most certainly effect how I relate with her. This isn’t a book about potions and cauldrons and brooms. As the title explains, it’s a book about women coming together. The chapters in the book cover different groups of women–everything from farmers to dancers. Trans women to nuns. Every single chapter captivated me. I often fly through books that I enjoy as much as I did this one, but I think I knew early on that George-Allen’s book was going to require some serious time and thought on my part. I can honestly say this book has contributed to a big shift in my thinking and will continue to do so.

Like the author admits in the Introduction, I, too, have held some huge misconceptions about women in the past, despite calling myself a feminist. I was very swept up with the cultural idea that women were “drama,” and I spent a good part of my young adult life priding myself on the fact that most of my good friends were guys. I poked fun at cheerleaders and sororities, or, really, any sisterhood of women.

The shift to recognizing the importance of women in my life has been a gradual one. Years ago, I worked with a wonderful group of women who spoke often of women’s groups and the power of women getting together. And still it didn’t fully sink in for me. It was really my transition into motherhood (oddly, only in that the author clearly states she doesn’t aspire to be a mother) that really connected me with other women and helped me see the value and power in female friendships. Even though not all my good friends are mothers, and while I do very much respect and value women who consciously choose that path, I know that motherhood was my initiation into the female circle. Not because it hadn’t welcomed me previously, but because I hadn’t let it.

I remember taking rare and sacred walks by myself when my first-born was a baby. As I walked, I thought about the baby I had carried and the birthing I had been through, and I knew that despite fatigue and uncertainty in this new passage of life, I was absolutely THE strongest and proudest I had ever been. I remember passing by male friends in the neighborhood and waving and smirking to myself. I was a freakin’ warrior! They would never know the deep power I knew. I was connected to generation upon generation of women who had been through the same birthing rites. Motherhood put me in circles of midwives and moms at La Leche meetings. I connected with my friends who were mothers on a deeper and richer level. And, those deep bonds carried over into my friendships with women who don’t have kids as well. My relationships with the women in my family have also seen undeniable benefits since my initiation into motherhood. My circle of women now is strong and so important to my life.

The chapter in George-Allen’s book on make-up blew my mind. Just as in my admission earlier that I used to shy away from too many friendships with women, I’ve also let myself develop some pretty whacky ideas about hair and make-up. I considered these things way too “girly” for me. (And HOW and WHY did an actual word built from the word “girl” develop a negative connotation?! I’m embarrassed I’ve used it in such a way and for so long.) This book opened up my eyes to an amazing example of the powerful feminine right in front of me–our daughter. When she was a baby, I refused to put her in pink dresses or headbands or anything that would be too “girly girl.” (There it is again!) I had read Peg Orenstein’s Cinderella Ate My Daughter book, and while I don’t remember much of the book now, I did have a great dread of our daughter going down the princess route. Reflecting on the princess culture would take me off into another long tangent, so I will just say that our girl is strong and feisty and independent… AND loves, LOVES dressing up in pretty dresses and putting on pretend make-up and fixing her hair. I’m quick to tell people she’s just as comfortable in fancy dresses as she is in a Hiccup or Woody costume, but, again, this implies that it is somehow only “okay” for her to be feminine IF she also embraces the masculine?.. Anyhow, reading the make-up chapter was a complete shift in my thinking. And it has helped me look to my seven-year-old in awe. She is an example of a true feminist. She embraces her femininity with enthusiasm and pride, while still asking questions like, “Why aren’t there more Lego women represented on this police force?” when watching YouTube, or asking questions I’d never thought to, like these ones here. I guess it’s no wonder this girl was born on International Women’s Day.

As you can see, Witches gives a lot of room for reflection. I haven’t even touched on the revelations I had while reading chapters like the ones about sex workers or nuns. Each chapter is its own beautiful, eye-opening exploration of the power of women coming together. For too long now, many women have been taught to see each other as competition or have been too busy putting one another down. Perhaps this has worked to some males’ perceived advantage to keep this isolation and rivalry going on between women. Because when women do come together? Well, magical, powerful change happens. We’re starting to see more and more of this. And, wow, does our world need it.

Start Where You Are

Posted on January 17, 2021April 20, 2021 by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

Like any journey in life, the environmental/eco-conscious one is definitely one that must be approached with a Start-Where-You-Are mentality. It’s easy to get overwhelmed in the eco-conscious world. At least, for me it is. I try to stop and remember all the cliche sayings — One step at a time. Little by little one travels far. Small actions over time can make a big difference… Start where you are.

The thing is, we’ve all come from very different backgrounds and households. Some of us may have been introduced to clean and conscious living at a young age and some of us are just stepping on board. But in this information age we live in, the amount environmental causes out there is staggering. Once you start to become conscious of where your products come from and what their afterlife is, and it’s difficult to go back. Suddenly you’re thinking about your food’s packaging and where your shoes will go once they’re worn out and how many steps it takes to get your magazines to you and the enormous amount of toothpaste tubes we, as humans, use. This is not to say being eco-conscious means a life of giving these things up, just making smarter and more conscious choices.

But change can be tough. Even when we want to change, our human nature gets defensive and resistant to the idea. And since there’s SO much out there that needs to be changed, it sometimes seems easier to just keep the status quo and forget the whole thing.

But our actions DO matter. And the little things will add up. It might be tricky to know where to start, and it’s hard to take other people’s advice on this since nobody lives the same way or is starting from the same place. But, I think if you can pause and close your eyes and think of something that’s been irking you, even the slightest bit. Maybe you’ve started thinking about all those plastic water bottles you go through every month or the amount of packaging involved in getting fast food take-out. Maybe you’re bugged by little, cheap, broken toys you end up throwing away or the amount of gas you end up using in your commute. Whatever it might be, from extravagant vacations to small, plastic floss containers, we all have at least a little idea of an area we might be able to shift our actions for the better.

The comparison game is an easy one to get lost in and not one that belongs if we’re going to join together for this cause. I would say that in my usual circles, I’m probably the most eco-conscious one. But last year, when I started going to a local group’s meetings about reducing waste in the community, I suddenly found myself playing the comparison game. And not in a I’m-doing-so-much-more kind of way, but in a I’m-not-doing-nearly-enough-as-these-people way. Not that anyone in this very kind and inclusive group was putting out this vibe, it was just my own mind playing tricks with me. While I could have been celebrating being around a group who was standing up for the change I want to see and learning from their wisdom, I was using it to put unneeded, extra pressure on myself instead.

Like anything in life, I think it’s important to pause and celebrate our own progress. It might not be the same as our friends’ or even where our self-critical mind thinks we “should” be, but it’s key to look back and recognize our accomplishments. To be proud of the efforts we’ve taken and the hurdles we’ve overcome.

…Which is not to say that our journey stops there. If we are really going to help our planet, we all need to come together and continue making eco-conscious choices in our lives. But, it’s ok to not know everything all at once. To not dive in and be picture-perfect, zero-waste role models right from Day One. Our actions can and will make a difference, even the small ones, from wherever we’re starting.

Programming with Purpose

Posted on January 13, 2021April 27, 2022 by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

This is an amazing keynote talk my friend Ish gave in 2019 at Swiftfest Boston. Swiftfest is a conference for iOS developers, but this isn’t a talk about formulas and code. It’s a talk about Life and Goodness. About breaking out of boundaries and fears and taking steps towards following our dreams. It’s about enjoying life’s moments and not taking our loved ones for granted. It’s about the actions we take that can change people’s lives. And it’s about finding our purpose.

I know that in our rush society, people seem to want short snippets of videos and audio while they’re going about their days, so 25 minutes is an investment. But–if I may–you owe it to yourself to watch this. If you notice the tags below, this video covers just about everything. (The original talk isn’t allowed to be posted, so I’m beyond grateful Ish has put this together.)

Ish has a way of speaking and thinking that puts people at ease and helps them tap into their true selves. Even before I became close friends with him, he’d ask me how I was doing in such a sincere way, that I always stopped in my tracks to truly reflect and consider how I was, instead of resorting to the automatic, “Fine. And you?”. He’s the guy people meet for the first time and feel like they’ve known forever. People open up to him with stories and questions and conflicts and joys, because he really listens without judgement or assumption. He helps people through their problems, not by giving advice, but by listening to what they say and holding the space for them to find their own conclusions. I can say with absolute certainty, I would not be where I am today without him.

I realize I’ve digressed a bit, but I wanted to take a moment to share a little bit about Ish, because I am hoping it will inspire you to take a pause and watch this video. A beautiful reminder about what is good in life and how we can help make it even better, just by being ourselves.

Montague Workshop

Posted on July 16, 2020May 5, 2021 by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

Just now discovering Montague Workshop and falling in love with it all. Haven’t watched all the available videos yet, but have cried happy tears in all of these below. Watch them. This is what Keep in the Sunlight is for.

Hope in the Guggenheim

A Story About a Bird

A Joyful Rebellion

Graduation Speech from the Future

Update:
I also bought two of Brad’s beautiful books, which I can’t believe I haven’t posted on yet. And, I’m SO excited about the new one coming soon!

When to Encourage and When to Let Go

Posted on June 1, 2020April 28, 2022 by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

Our daughter has been dancing since she first saw The Nutcracker at age two. No, I take that back. She’s been dancing since she was in the womb. Ever since she began moving in my belly, I always said, “This baby is dancing!” We purposefully kept her away from formal lessons for many years, so she could just enjoy and fall in love with dancing and moving in ways that brought her joy. Her love for dance radiates as she performs for us in the living room or at a park. Her indoor shows are always complete with costumes and original choreography and delightful music. But along with this obvious passion for dance, we’ve also been amazed at watching our daughter’s grace and natural abilities as a dancer. Every parent thinks their kid is incredible, so I totally get that we are biased here, but her dancing leaves us (and other adults who love her) truly amazed.

Last year we moved and found a magnificent dance studio – Wonderfully kind owners who also have the talent and experience to help support dancers who have gone on into professional companies. Teachers who teach and expect quality, while also being funny and gentle and human. A great and safe community of supportive kids and parents. – Everything we could have asked for.

Granted, it’s been a strange year indeed, with the ending of the dance year being on Zoom and her first-ever recital being cancelled. Very small prices to pay in the scheme of our world right now, but these things can be huge, especially for a new dancer. Our feisty girl, who usually speaks her mind quite loudly and forcefully at times, approached me very calmly a few weeks before the dance year was ending and told me she’d like to finish out the session and then be done.

My heart sank. My mind went reeling. I never thought I’d be a parent who “pushed” their kid into doing something, but that’s all I wanted to do. I know it doesn’t make sense, and there is no way to make this girl do anything she doesn’t want to do. I’ve watched kids be miserable and resentful as their parents claim they can’t be “quitters.” And that’s not the route I want to take. As this attached article says:

“Many American parents are allergic to quitting. They’d rather raise a villain than a quitter.”

But when I actually found myself in the situation, it all became more complicated. Here it is, the end of a session, perfect timing. But, what about all her potential? As an adult, can’t I see a few steps ahead? Isn’t that part of my job? Haven’t I heard almost every adult I know wish they had kept going with fill-in-the-blank when they were younger? (Although most often, for some reason, piano lessons.) Would we be doing her a disservice just “letting” her stop, or is that just us respecting her wishes?

“Let’s take out the word “push.” It’s not a word that’s going to get you anywhere positive with your child. Instead, reframe this as “support.”

Is there a way you can support your child to take on these challenges with determination and courage?”

I love that she knows what she wants or doesn’t want and speaks her mind about it. I want her opinion to feel as respected as it’s always been. I also liked this from the article:

“It doesn’t really matter whether she dances. What matters is that you see this as an opportunity to support her in a clear-minded and compassionate manner.”

It’s always a case-by-case basis. And reading the comments below the article was encouraging. I feel like many of the parents I’ve met or overheard do have the “my-kid-will-do-this-because-I-said-so” mentality, so it was refreshing to read parents who felt otherwise. Pushing kids to do something they’re unhappy in feels wrong. But, I’ve also seen the joy and pride that can come to a person when they push through something difficult. So, when do you encourage that and when do you let go? One of my favorite bits in the comments was this:

“Ask yourself first who you are doing this for — your child, or you. This answer will guide everything else.”

And the answer to that question also feels complicated. I never thought I’d be a parent living vicariously through my kids, but this kind of feels like I’m doing that. I’ve never been as talented at anything as she is with ballet. So, yes, I’m probably feeling this way about her leaving because it’s my own wish that she keep going. I’d personally LOVE to be able to move and dance the way she’s able to. Even watching her dance, I can get a hint of what a beautiful feeling it must be for her to express herself that way. So, even though it feels like a selfish parenting reason at times, I also genuinely see the joy dance brings to her. In this past year of finally taking dance classes, she’s gained new flexibility and strength and moves that she wouldn’t have otherwise had. Continuing to put the time and effort into developing those skills would allow her to experience the thrill of being able to express herself through dance in heightened ways. Right? … Or am I just trying to convince myself or something?

So, we shall see how this unfolds. Perhaps this is the end of her dancing journey. Perhaps she’ll find another type of dance she’d prefer. Perhaps she’ll keep dancing on her own and eventually want to go back to classes. Perhaps she’ll change her mind tomorrow and none of this debating will be necessary. It’s not that we haven’t talked with her about this–the reasons to stay or leave. It does warrant more conversation. But, if she ultimately wants to be done, then all we can do is take a step back and have faith. Because it’s obvious this girl has gumption and passion and talent and strength. Part of being her parent is guiding her and introducing her to things the best way we know how, but part of being a parent is also stepping back and letting her “write her own story.”

UPDATE