The Swedish Way to Parent and Play
By Henkel and Tomicic
I somehow found out about this book and got it on my library list, without realizing it is hot off the press for Americans. Although Henkel and Tomicic released this book 10 years ago in Sweden, it is just making its debut where I am. The subtitle for the book is “Advice for Raising Gender-Equal Kids,” and it is just that. This small, square book covers tons of thoughts and ideas for raising our kids in an equal-gender atmosphere.
I have to be honest, that although I think this book is a must-read for parents and anyone working with kids, I found myself struggling with some of the approach. I have a daughter and a son, and despite doing everything possible to remain “gender-neutral” with them, from dressing them in gender-neutral clothing as babies and young kids, keeping them away from TV and media and magazines, presenting books and songs that were very carefully selected, adapting songs and stories to be fair to both genders, discussing every job and situation with a “she or he” role, etc., our daughter has always been drawn to the traditional “girl” stuff and our son has been drawn to the traditional “boy” stuff. This book sometimes made it sound as if kids who do fall into these “traditional” roles were somehow forced or subconsciously led into these roles. I also struggled with going to the extremes to approach boys and girls exactly the same. I think kids need to be approached on an individual basis. It reminded me a bit of the “melting pot” philosophy our country once held, trying to be fair, but denying people for who they were vs. the “salad bowl” idea where people exist together, but we see and appreciate their differences. There was also a lot of talk about letting girls be loud and letting boys hug and cuddle, when I find my own daughter to have defined her strong voice early on and my son to be extremely affectionate. Sometimes it seemed as if the authors were implying I should allow rude behavior from a girl, just so she can learn to express herself and I should feel encouraged by ongoing crying tantrums from a boy so he can express himself. And there was some implication that if I went in expecting my boy to be on the move and not fully engaging and listening and making eye contact, then that is what I would get. Well, we have done everything in our power, but our son just naturally moves more and uses his physical energy more than our girl ever did. I would never imply or expect that all boys are that way, but this is the case here, and I honestly don’t think this has anything to do with our treatment of him.
But I’m really getting ahead of myself, because I truly found this book to be valuable and worth reading. And I promised I’d only write about books on here that I’d recommend. I do truly recommend this book, but I just had to mention that it was a bit of a back and forth for me as I made my way through it. As “aware” as I believe myself to be on a lot of the topics covered, I definitely found a lot of new ideas to take from it. Some that stuck out in my recollection right now are:
–Not teasing or expecting romance when a boy and girl are friends. Do we ever do that when two boys or two girls are spending time together? –
–Not making the excuse that boys hurt or chase girls just because they like them. If we teach that to girls early on, what are they to supposed to be ok with later in life? There’s a frighteningly accurate cartoon in this section showing a grown man with a woman in a headlock, and another woman in the back musing, “It’s probably just his way of showing that he cares.”
–Not consistently commenting how “cute” or “pretty” girls look all the time. It seems like the go-to comment to say something about a little girl’s dress or hair and so on, but I see how this can become a bit addictive to some and attach worth to looks. Instead, they suggest asking how a girl is doing or how nice it is to see her or how comfortable the clothes look, and so on. (Although, as another aside, I will say that I have a friend who never heard nice comments about her looks from her parents while growing up and became super attached to seeking out these compliments from others because of this…)
–I also appreciated suggestions to mix up the toys. I think schools and homes have a way of separating trucks and cars from dolls and kitchens. Which is not to say the kids might not play with all of it, but it might be worth a try to see how a truck is integrated into doll play or a baby in with the Transformers.
The other main thought I came away with, and I don’t recall if this was exactly said, but it feels like boys are kind of getting the short end of the stick when I thought about it. We’ve worked hard for it to be ok for girls to wear pants or Ninja Turtle shirts, to play with tools and cars, to read about boy wizards, to play any sport, to get messy outside. But, I think there are still a lot of things that just aren’t socially acceptable for boys–sparkly shirts, dresses, playing with baby dolls past a certain age, dance classes instead of sports, books or shows with female leads, especially princesses. And, this just doesn’t seem fair.
A lot of good things to think about from this book, and a book that I think should be required for anyone working with kids.