Tag: Be yourself

Dear Diary – Do I Miss You?

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I used to be a journal keeper.  It’s where I turned to process and reflect.  To deal with big questions and emotions.  It was my place to connect with “me,” and it was such a part of my life that I didn’t think much about it.  Until it stopped.

It was never a daily practice.  I definitely experienced many lulls and pauses in my journaling.  But nothing like recent years.  Granted, the timing of my lack of journaling does seem to coincide pretty much exactly with parenthood.  There have been seasons of these mama years when there just feels like no time at all.  And when I’ve crawled out of those times, journaling just hasn’t taken priority.  Since my life seems to be a never-ending game of picking what I’d like to be doing with it, this choice to not turn to journaling is interesting.  Does this mean I’m not prioritizing myself?  Am I not taking the time for a practice that used to help me find my center and feed my soul?  Or have I simply moved on to other ways of connecting?  These questions nag at me, and I let the idea that I haven’t journaled make me feel guilty.

In recent years there have also been some silly overthinking reasons for my journal hesitations – Are all these journals just more clutter and more to haul if we move?  What’s to become of these when I die – will they be a burden to somebody or something I’d rather someone not read?  It’s strange and deflating to think these questions would prevent me from journaling, but they’re there in my head.

Whenever I read or hear about writers and their daily writing practices, I get an ache.  Writing, whether it was school papers or journaling or letter writing or even texting, makes me happy.  I don’t know that I want to *be* a writer (whatever that means), and yet, here I am – writing this post.  So, I am a writer, am I not?  Is a writer someone who writes or someone who is read?  Either way, I came to a realization today that this, here, is my writing space.  It’s not exactly the same as a journaling process, of course, but it is still a place for me to write and reflect.  To ask questions and process some of what I’m feeling.  I love the idea that on a blog there is potential for my words to reach someone else and possibly give them a boost or an idea, but mostly I recognize this space as mine.  This is my 40-something journaling.

So, Diary, do I miss you?  Not really.  And I’m starting to feel okay with that.

 

 

A Bird Sings Because It Has a Song

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“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”

Is it a Chinese proverb?  Or as USPS claims, Maya Angelou?  Don’t know.  Don’t really care.  I love this quote.  It holds that ‘Gotta Sing, Gotta Dance’ at its heart, and I think I need to turn to it more often.

I’ve got a lot to say.  The flood of ideas I have to filter every day gets overwhelming.  And yet, as I type this and other entries, I feel a bit of an empty echo bouncing back to me.  (Granted, I have chosen to turn off comments, but that’s another post.)  I’m a paranoid Internet person, to be honest, but I have realized that being on the Internet is a bit like walking down a sidewalk, an ENORMOUS sidewalk, that includes just about everyone from the entire world.  Some will get noticed, some will get teased.  Some will fall prey to scammers, some will find their small, happy groups.  I am at once eager to write and share, (it’s in my heart and on my mind, and keeping it in starts to weigh on me greatly) while also feeling extremely shy about being ‘seen’ and read.  And some might say this is somehow energetically keeping me hidden.  Maybe.

I was always one to sort of float off to the side of the action.  In high school, I was neither popular nor teased.  I liked being mostly invisible.   At social gatherings, I’d always be the one off in the corner on my own or talking to a random wanderer who ended up near me.  I am the person who prefers small groups that include supportive, awesome people I love.  I’ve never sought fame or a huge number of followers.  But as I continue my blogging and other online journeys, I do have moments when I think, “Hey!  I’ve got something to say too!”  I’ve read some of the popular, star bloggers out there.  Some are great, and some are, well, not.  Eh, that’s life.  I love good stories of people getting lots of rejection letters before they’re finally published or noticed.  These are uplifting stories once the happy ending has happened, and I always thought if I had the guts to write a book, I’d have my own story of how I held out hope even as the rejections poured in.  But, I can see how tough that must be.  Here I am, blogging, mainly for my own need, really.  And still, I secretly want to be read and noticed.  That’s not so crazy, right?

But, somewhere between getting caught up in trying to remain hidden or trying to demand some attention, all I know is, I gotta write.

So, no, I don’t have an answer.  I don’t even know my question.  But, boy, do I have a lot of songs to sing.

The Actor’s Life: A Survival Guide

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The Actor’s Life: A Survival Guide (2017)
by Jenna Fischer

I am not an aspiring actor.  But I picked up this book because I love listening to the Office Ladies, and the more I hear from Jenna Fischer, the more I realize we share a lot of similarities.  I don’t usually listen to audio books.  Like, almost never.  But, our library only had this as an audio, and so I gave it a try.

I loved it!  It’s read by Jenna, which I think is a very important piece of a good non-fiction audiobook.  And even though she does offer really great tips and advice for actors, I found so many important life lessons in here for myself.  It was enjoyable and enlightening, and I honestly view actors differently than I used to.  But most importantly, it is helping me with many of my creative hang-ups and blocks.  I highly recommend this book, especially to actors and creatives.

Jenna Fischer deftly weaves her own story in with some really great practical advice for actors.  It never focuses too much on her life, but it also gives the reader plenty of looks into what she was doing before, during, and after The Office.  (And I love hearing these stories!)  Her words of wisdom for actors never come across as preachy or belittling; in fact, she openly admits she wishes she had followed much of this advice in her own journey.  She is honest about the fact that there isn’t really a set path in an actor’s life, but that many of her tips can at least help pave the road for being ready for opportunities.  I love that she includes interviews/stories in the back of the book from four different actor friends as well, to drive home that everyone’s journey is unique.

So, I’m not completely naive about the entertainment world.  I was never in it, the way some are, but I grew up near L.A.  My dad worked in the entertainment business, and I’ve been on a set here and there.  On the outskirts, I’ve been to events, and I even worked for a writing agent in Hollywood one summer.  I lived in the L.A. area for a year as a young adult and met people in the business and many trying to work their way in.  Still.  After listening to The Actor’s Life, I realize how many general assumptions I have been making about actors.  When I don’t see an actor in any films or TV for awhile after they’ve been in something “big,” I have always, always assumed this was by choice.  I admit, I even say a “Good for Them!” thinking they’ve chosen to embrace some quiet life instead.  As if this choice –my choice- is preferable for them.  Jenna discusses just how brutal this business can be.  Actors can land a big break and then not get cast for years, despite a desire to keep on as a working actor.

And as for the pay?  Yeah, I’ve been cynical about that too.  First of all, California, and L.A., specifically, are expensive places to live!  So, salaries are generally higher for many professions.  Then, Jenna explains the 10% off the top that goes to an agent, 10% to a manager, and, of course, taxes.  This is not to mention the years of classes and headshots and driving to and from auditions and sets.  The 23 minutes of a show we see as the audience does not include the many hours of prep and rehearsals and reshoots and so on.  (To be fair, Jenna Fischer really didn’t linger on the financial aspect all that much (other than to remind actors not to get into the biz for the money), but it was something that really struck me while listening.).
When I was a school teacher, I remember how jaded one of my co-workers was about the fact that the guest art teacher made about as much in an hour as we made in a day.  I knew even then, that there was more to it than that.  The art teacher didn’t have the steady work we had.  She had a unique training and skill set we didn’t have.  She had supplies and prep and clean-up we didn’t have.  Not to say there weren’t elements of this in our teaching jobs, and not that we were receiving the pay we deserved (ha!), but I got it.  It’s like the plumber who quickly fixes one thing and charges what seems like a lot.  We’re paying for his or her knowledge about what to fix and how to fix it, not for the actual time it takes. … I digress…  I, sadly, never gave actors this consideration before.  I was pretty cynical about the pay, and I’m grateful to this book for changing my mind, even though that wasn’t really one of the main points.  And while Jenna does offer “survival” tips for poor, aspiring actors, obviously the same tips can apply to sooooo many jobs and situations out there.  I remember while working as a teacher scouring the floor of my car in grocery store parking lots, looking for loose change so that I could buy some basic food items.

But, as I said, most of what I took away from this book was not about acting or money, but about my own journey.  I love writing.  I love blogging and making my little videos about reducing and reusing.  And even though it’s in my heart, and I love doing it, there is a bit of a bummer element to it knowing that I am basically invisible on the Internet.  I don’t like the spotlight, and I don’t need it.  But, I work hard and put my whole self into what I’m doing, so it can be discouraging.  But Jenna talks about the years that some actors spend just seemingly waiting.  She relates to the frustration, while also encouraging action.  Her inspiring words about creating your own work, collaborating on projects that mean something to you, and knowing that it will pay off, was definitely a helpful and hopeful message.  I’d like to think if I was an aspiring, non-working actor that I’d be making my own videos and projects and living my passion.  So, wouldn’t I do that now?  What I am doing?  I know exactly what’s in my heart.  This is an amazing time in history when people can create and share with the world at the click of a button.  So, yes!  I love writing and blogging and talking about helping our environment.  So, what is all my internal whining about?  I’m doing what I love.  As the successful playwright in The Incredible Jessica James tells Jessica, “There’s really not much more to it than this.”  To get to do what I love from the comfort of my home without anybody’s permission?  Wow!  I’m going to embrace this.

Derek Waters (of Drunk History fame) wraps up his interview at the end of the book by saying this:

I was in tears.  The combination of hearing Jenna’s book and hearing those words was just what I needed.  Read this book.  It’s awesome.

Life Skills

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Life Skills (2021)
by Keilly Swift

This gem of a book teaches life skills like critical thinking, problem solving, communication, dealing with feelings, and so much more.  Each page is a beautiful map of engaging pictures and text, as well as many interactive ideas.

Full disclosure: I have not read this entire book.  It is chock-full of amazing material on each page that can be enjoyed and absorbed over and over.  This book is directed towards children, but my desire to own this book is not only for my kids, but for ME.  Reading these life skills laid out so openly and approachable is such a gift to the readers of this book.  This seems like a great book for kids in their pre-teen years, but it could easily be an interactive read with youngers, or as I mentioned, an enjoyable read for teens and adults as well.  The world needs more books like this!  I cannot praise it enough.

Rump

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Rump (2013) by Liesl Shurtliff

Rumpelstiltskin had never been a fairy tale I’d paid much attention to, but in my 20s I read a hilarious books of six short stories by Vivian van Velde called The Rumpelstilskin Problem.  I adapted it into a short play for the class I was teaching at the time, and so this tale has been on my radar ever since.  Rump was published in 2013, but I only just found it.  I think I read two chapters the first night, and then the second night I stayed up waaaay too late so I could finish the whole thing.

In this story of Rumpelstiltskin, ‘Rump’ is an extremely sympathetic character, given only half a name and seemingly trapped by circumstances and fate.  But as Rump finally comes into his inner power at the end of the story, we see the strength and courage he has in creating his own destiny.

I was surprised that the author was able to incorporate all the elements of the well-known tale in ways that flowed with the story.  There are so many bizarre elements to Rumpelstiltskin, so Shurtliff’s cleverness in getting these to connect with Rump were truly impressive.  The book was a page-turner, for sure, and such a pleasure to read.  But it actually wasn’t until the Afterword by the author that I cried.  Names have been on my mind these past years, and her words really touched me.

I’m so eager to read the other three books in this fairy tale series!