Category: Parenting

A New Holiday Helper

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

For ADULT eyes only!

As I mentioned in this post, I had very big hesitations about inviting Santa or other magical visitors into our home at first.  But once the decision was made, I delighted in watching our daughter enjoy the magic.  Her daily imagination and story playing amazes me, and so these visits just add to the fun.  She has always wanted to play that we were Santa or the Easter Bunny or any number of visitors who frequent our home.  And even as young as five, she inadvertently gave me clues that made me realize that she already knew the secret.  Darn.  I’ve been so careful.  And with no school or television that would have let her know, I was a little bummed, but impressed, she had figured it out so early.  But she continued playing along, with questions here and there.  And then came Halloween this year…

In the days leading up to Halloween, she began asking questions like, “Does Santa steal from stores?” because she’s been very curious about the company logos on some of the gifts.  And while I began her journey by making all Santa gifts homemade, I didn’t quite keep up.  Then the day before Halloween, the questions became more direct.  “How do Santa and Switch Witch know if they’re invited to visit someone’s home?”  I answered that Dada and I invited them when she was born.  “But where did you get their address?”  And so on.  I tried my best to answer vaguely, not getting too tangled in an intricate lie, while also allowing the story to go on if that seemed right.  But when she muttered phrases like, “I just don’t know if they’re really…” and then stopped herself, I knew it was time.

I cried thinking about how quickly the journey had gone.  Then, I second guessed it all and decided that Halloween and the upcoming visit from Switch Witch that night was definitely NOT the day for this conversation.  But that morning, she asked, “Are you sure you and Dada don’t just eat the candy and then leave a gift?  Tell me the truth.”  Those four words sealed it.  It was time.

I didn’t answer immediately, especially with Little Brother present and wanting to discuss it all with my husband and sob a bit.  But I typed up a general idea of what I wanted to say in a conversation.  And later in the day when Little Brother miraculously took a nap, we jumped at the opportunity.  It felt scary and awkward going into it.  A huge step in her growing up and, well, basically admitting we’d been deceiving her and her brother since birth.  But, I did my best to explain it clearly and gently.  She listened.  And then with each new question she asked about another magical visitor, I held my breath as I answered slowly and honestly.  And when it all sank in…

She was giddy with excitement!  Yes, the secret of Santa left our first-born completely thrilled!  Of course, it helped that she was invited to help us with the story for her brother.  She delighted in seeing where I keep future gifts, and when I explained the fonts and notes and back stories to her, she must have thanked me a dozen times for doing everything I’ve been doing.  Yes, it was pretty much best-case scenario.  Sometimes our headstrong, stubborn, loving, vocal kids are a lot to handle, but moments like this…well, they help a lot.

 

This was a letter I read awhile ago for future assistance with all this.  And below is the vague outline of what I, personally, said, although it was a conversation, rather than a letter.  (I definitely didn’t feel great about just improvising this conversation, without some idea of what to say):

(Quick background–Our daughter wrote to Santa last year asking if she could come to the North Pole this year and train as an elf.  There were lots of detailed questions she asked him in a letter about what to bring and if they had some healthier alternatives to just cookies and so on.  But it was arranged that she would leave with St. Nicholas on the 6th, travel to the North Pole, train as an elf for a couple weeks, and then return with Santa on the 25th.  My thinking, even a year ago, in letting this play out, was that by Christmas this year, she would probably be ready to be an “elf” of sorts with us.  As I said, there have been hints and big questions for awhile.)

*****

You have grown up so much, especially this year.  You’ve always been so much older than you are, understanding feelings and stories and concepts that most kiddos your age just aren’t quite ready for.  And this year, you’ve stepped up so much in your responsibility and your help with (Brother).  We’ve loved watching you grow.  As parents, it makes us so happy but also a little bit sad.  Does that make sense?

Well, these past several days you’ve been asking a lot of big questions about Santa and Switch Witch.  Daddy and I have been doing our best to answer, while talking with each other about if you’re ready to become a holiday helper.  You really wanted to be an elf this year, and I know there has been some concern about going with Covid and missing us.  Well, the truth is, when Mamas and Dadas choose to invite Santa into their homes, they themselves get to become elves, sort of. Santa and Switch Witch and the Easter Bunny are always alive in our hearts. They help us feel magic and help us believe in things we can’t see. But their work is done by us, by parents. We get to choose gifts and wrap them and present them as part of the magic of the holiday.

You will still get to have presents from all our special holiday visitors, and you can choose how you want to play part of the magic story – being completely surprised or also being a helper with us. Because the really cool part for you as an older sibling, is that now that you know this, you get to be an elf with us for (Brother), if you would like.

This is something we want to share with you because we know we can trust you to hold this information in your heart and still let (Brother) have these magic stories for as long as he holds them. And kiddos get to learn about Santa at all different ages. So, your friends or cousins might not know the secret about their parents getting to be helpers. So, we can’t say anything, ok?

But, if you have any questions, we’re always here. We just have to talk about it in secret. And you will still get to play in these magic stories; you will still have baskets and gifts from all our holiday visitors. It’s just now, you get also get a chance to play a new role in these stories too.

******
And so now, we have a new holiday helper!  The day or two after the Big Reveal, she had lots and lots of questions and new realizations.  But it’s calmed down.  Heading into holiday season she keeps telling me just how excited she is to know The Secret.  She has LOTS of plans, and now I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve just been replaced…

Jizo

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

I fell in love with a Jizo statue at a Japanese garden last fall.  Only after I had left did I read the meaning of these statues.  They are said to protect children.  And, more specifically, many articles say the Jizo statues look after children who have died before their parents or babies who are miscarried or aborted.

After my encounter with the garden statue and reading articles like this one, I knew that the Jizo was something very important to my healing and remembering.  Uncommon Goods had a darling Jizo that was much smaller than I realized, which was perfect.  (The Jizo is only just over 8 inches tall.)  We keep him (her?) inside and get to have a beautiful reminder of Jizo protecting all our children.  At a time in my life when I’m working to limit possessions and be particular about what we bring into our home, this Jizo has proven its value.  It brings me so much peace and happiness.

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When to Encourage and When to Let Go

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

Our daughter has been dancing since she first saw The Nutcracker at age two.  No, I take that back.  She’s been dancing since she was in the womb.  Ever since she began moving in my belly, I always said, “This baby is dancing!”  We purposefully kept her away from formal lessons for many years, so she could just enjoy and fall in love with dancing and moving in ways that brought her joy.  Her love for dance radiates as she performs for us in the living room or at a park.  Her indoor shows are always complete with costumes and original choreography and delightful music.  But along with this obvious passion for dance, we’ve also been amazed at watching our daughter’s grace and natural abilities as a dancer.  Every parent thinks their kid is incredible, so I totally get that we are biased here, but her dancing leaves us (and other adults who love her) truly amazed.

Last year we moved and found a magnificent dance studio – Wonderfully kind owners who also have the talent and experience to help support dancers who have gone on into professional companies.  Teachers who teach and expect quality, while also being funny and gentle and human.  A great and safe community of supportive kids and parents. – Everything we could have asked for.

Granted, it’s been a strange year indeed, with the ending of the dance year being on Zoom and her first-ever recital being cancelled.  Very small prices to pay in the scheme of our world right now, but these things can be huge, especially for a new dancer.  Our feisty girl, who usually speaks her mind quite loudly and forcefully at times, approached me very calmly a few weeks before the dance year was ending and told me she’d like to finish out the session and then be done.

My heart sank.  My mind went reeling.  I never thought I’d be a parent who “pushed” their kid into doing something, but that’s all I wanted to do.  I know it doesn’t make sense, and there is no way to make this girl do anything she doesn’t want to do.  I’ve watched kids be miserable and resentful as their parents claim they can’t be “quitters.”  And that’s not the route I want to take.  As this attached article says:

“Many American parents are allergic to quitting. They’d rather raise a villain than a quitter.”

But when I actually found myself in the situation, it all became more complicated.  Here it is, the end of a session, perfect timing.  But, what about all her potential?  As an adult, can’t I see a few steps ahead?  Isn’t that part of my job?  Haven’t I heard almost every adult I know wish they had kept going with fill-in-the-blank when they were younger? (Although most often, for some reason, piano lessons.)  Would we be doing her a disservice just “letting” her stop, or is that just us respecting her wishes?

“Let’s take out the word “push.” It’s not a word that’s going to get you anywhere positive with your child. Instead, reframe this as “support.”

Is there a way you can support your child to take on these challenges with determination and courage?”

I love that she knows what she wants or doesn’t want and speaks her mind about it.  I want her opinion to feel as respected as it’s always been.  I also liked this from the article:

“It doesn’t really matter whether she dances. What matters is that you see this as an opportunity to support her in a clear-minded and compassionate manner.”

It’s always a case-by-case basis.  And reading the comments below the article was encouraging.  I feel like many of the parents I’ve met or overheard do have the “my-kid-will-do-this-because-I-said-so” mentality, so it was refreshing to read parents who felt otherwise.  Pushing kids to do something they’re unhappy in feels wrong.  But, I’ve also seen the joy and pride that can come to a person when they push through something difficult.  So, when do you encourage that and when do you let go?  One of my favorite bits in the comments was this:

“Ask yourself first who you are doing this for — your child, or you. This answer will guide everything else.”

And the answer to that question also feels complicated.  I never thought I’d be a parent living vicariously through my kids, but this kind of feels like I’m doing that.  I’ve never been as talented at anything as she is with ballet.  So, yes, I’m probably feeling this way about her leaving because it’s my own wish that she keep going.  I’d personally LOVE to be able to move and dance the way she’s able to.  Even watching her dance, I can get a hint of what a beautiful feeling it must be for her to express herself that way.  So, even though it feels like a selfish parenting reason at times, I also genuinely see the joy dance brings to her.  In this past year of finally taking dance classes, she’s gained new flexibility and strength and moves that she wouldn’t have otherwise had.  Continuing to put the time and effort into developing those skills would allow her to experience the thrill of being able to express herself through dance in heightened ways.  Right?  … Or am I just trying to convince myself or something?

So, we shall see how this unfolds.  Perhaps this is the end of her dancing journey.  Perhaps she’ll find another type of dance she’d prefer.  Perhaps she’ll keep dancing on her own and eventually want to go back to classes.  Perhaps she’ll change her mind tomorrow and none of this debating will be necessary.  It’s not that we haven’t talked with her about this–the reasons to stay or leave.  It does warrant more conversation.  But, if she ultimately wants to be done, then all we can do is take a step back and have faith.  Because it’s obvious this girl has gumption and passion and talent and strength.  Part of being her parent is guiding her and introducing her to things the best way we know how, but part of being a parent is also stepping back and letting her “write her own story.”

UPDATE

Home Learning

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

I know we’ve got a world full of brand-new, “forced” homeschoolers right now.  And, I know that everyone’s experience and approach during this time will be so different.  There are some parents trying very hard to suddenly balance working from home while figuring out how to educate their kids and trying to stay calm amidst a wide range of uncertain emotions.  Some parents might not be working from home right now but are scrambling to figure out how to keep their family afloat.  Some parents might be excited at the opportunity to be home with their kids, but don’t know what to do all day.

There are students from preschool through college who are suddenly home-bound and families with very different ideas of what this time of schooling at home should look like.  I really don’t want to make any assumptions about anyone else’s experiences right now or philosophies or abilities with this “homeschool” experience.  So, this is not a “how to,” because I don’t know you or your family.

But, I would love to share some of my ideas and philosophies, which may or may not resonate for you.

When my husband and I made the decision to homeschool years ago, I thought I would totally rock it.  I’ve taught many different ages in different settings, I have a master’s degree in teaching, for Pete’s sake.  Teaching my own kids at home?  No problem.  Right?….Well, it has been a MUCH tougher journey than I anticipated.  And, we are only two grades in!

But I like to think I’ve picked up a few things in my short journey so far, and I’d love to share with anyone who is willing to read them.  I know that things may shift and change for our family as we go (in fact, that’s one of the biggest things I’ve learned– that things are constantly changing), but here’s what I’ve got so far:

–Home school is NOT school at home.  I always believed this, but it’s taken me awhile to really KNOW it.  The term “homeschooling” is misleading and strange.  It is a completely different approach to learning than school and should not be treated the same.  I like to say “home learning,” but perhaps somewhere there is a perfect term for it.

–There doesn’t have to be a strict schedule.  Unless we absolutely have to be somewhere, there’s no reason I have to wake my kiddo up before she’s ready.  Learning can begin when she is rested and, hopefully, happy.

–Learning doesn’t have to take place at a table and with a pencil in hand, and, in fact, it usually doesn’t.  Learning happens when we’re snuggled on the couch together in a discussion, when we’re outside exploring, when she’s taken a flashlight to bed at night so she can read or write in her journal, when we spend the whole day reading together, when we’re at dinner asking big questions.  It is always happening, but it’s not happening with worksheets and quizzes and essays.  Teachers in schools need those because of the number of students they have and the time constraints they have.  At home, we get to watch first-hand what our kid is learning.

–Rhythm and routine are good, but they aren’t everything.  I’ve struggled for years to develop a daily rhythm, thinking that it would help provide a stability and grounding to our lives that would help us all.  Turns out we have a kid who thrives on newness and mixing things up.  She can stand a new routine for about a week, before she wants something new.  I think there’s something comforting in a routine for most people, but I’ve decided to stop struggling to make it happen.

–I often feel like what I’m doing is “sneaky homeschooling.”  I do a lot of reading and research and planning about what I’d like to cover for a school year.  It’s constantly on my mind.  And then, I am just present.  When a question is presented or a project is happening where there is a learning opportunity, I slip it in.  This is not to say that I make play or hanging out all into “lessons.”  Fortunately, we have a kid who asks questions, loves stories and explanations, and has a great ability to connect and remember.  If she senses I’m trying to squeeze in a lesson, I can tell, because she shuts down.  It’s a fine balance, but it’s the best homeschooling tool I know right now.

–Planning is fun, but our days rarely end up the way I planned.  I would say a very good portion of the time, our daughter takes whatever idea I’ve had for us and makes it her own.  And, in truth, it’s usually better.  Homeschool is not about a power struggle or showing who’s in charge (I’m trying my best to remember on many a frustrating morning), it’s about learning together.

–Any topic can be a starting point for almost any subject.  I like to start with what our daughter is currently enamored with and use it to my advantage.  She LOVES horses right now and is a big fan of a horse YouTube vlogger named Esme.  So, we wrote short little bits about Esme’s animals, thinking of an adjective and verb that started with the first letter of each name.  “Troublesome Toby trots.”  And so on.  It was fun and she was completely engaged.  She made a book with illustrations, and it just felt like we were playing.  And horses can be a gateway to science, history, geography, music, art, math, and so on.  Any topic can be.  Just takes a little brainstorming and possibly Googling.

–Surrender.  Surrender.  Surrender.  When little brother is knocking books out of our hands or one or all of us is crabby, it’s just time to let go.  To go for a drive, run outside, watch a movie, take a nap (Yeah right, I wish!), have a snack, and just take a break.  I’m trying my very best to learn that our interactions and moods and sanity are more important than any math lesson or activity.

–PJs are fun, but too many days of PJs can really drag us down.  I always hear about public school families enjoying a PJ day at home on a snow day or school holiday, and I kind of miss the fun feeling of that, because pajamas during the day are fun until that’s the norm.  I like to get dressed in “real” clothes every morning and wear a pair of “inside” sneakers before we jump in to the day.  I always feel better when I do.

–If our kid is resisting learning something, I (try to!) let go and then start exploring it myself.  I’m not going to sit down with a journal right in front of her and narrate out loud how much I just LOVE writing.  Kids are way too smart for that.  But, if a kid doesn’t want to read, make sure they see YOU enjoying reading.  Not just reading to them but reading for your own enjoyment.  If a kid doesn’t want to learn to read, why don’t you start learning a new language?  Let your kid see you struggle to figure out how to read and write a new language, because-HINT-that’s exactly what they are trying to do!  If your kid doesn’t want to write, think about how often she sees you writing.  Does your kid hear you saying how much you disliked math when you were in school, or does she see you scribbling down and calculating fractions as you try to double a yummy recipe?  We all know the best way to get someone to learn is through example, but it’s easy to forget.

–Connection with others can be tough in the homeschool world.  Socialization is the cliche complaint or concern about homeschool, and every single homeschool book I’ve read has very big claims about how false this is.  True, kids in public school are usually only with kids of the same age group and often have to sit quietly in school.  And, yes, homeschoolers often have more opportunity to play with other kids during the day, interact with different ages, and so on.  But, it just feels a lot tougher to connect as a homeschooler.  At least for us it has.  The philosophies and approaches and reasons homeschoolers have for doing what they’re doing are often quite strong.  They can be exclusive in their groups or anti-social themselves.  It’s interesting that just as I was feeling like a bit of an outsider in the outsider world of homeschooling, the whole world suddenly became homeschoolers too…

 

So, the best we can all do is our best.  Focus on our families and what works for us, while trying to support each other and share inspiration.  I got a bit uneasy last week when, after years of being in our isolated homeschool world, suddenly photos of happy, enthusiastic new homeschoolers were flooding the Internet.  What did they figure out in a day that I still feel like I’m struggling with?  And then, I remembered.  Those are just photos.  That’s their journey.  My job is to focus on ours.  And so, we continue on.  Doing the best we can and figuring it out as we go.

 

The Brave Learner

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The Brave Learner
by Julie Bogart

A few months ago, I remember wishing I had a veteran homeschool mother to talk to.  Someone who had made it through the journey and could offer me the comfort and wisdom that all of this really would work.  That we hadn’t ruined our children by not teaching the standards and keeping to the schedule.  That we would be ok, even if we didn’t ever quite perfect the housecleaning schedule or meal plan.  That even if we broke down into not-so-great versions of ourselves in a ludicrous effort to “help” our kids be forced into better versions of THEMselves, that we would still be ok.

Granted, we are at the beginning of this homeschooling journey and this book only just came out recently.  But, I feel like it’s what I’ve been searching for all along.  I come away from reading it feeling more peaceful about homeschooling, but also about our whole parenting and adult journey.  I almost feel like if I do little else with my kid for the next few weeks but really take in this book, it would be time well spent.  But, of course, learning is always happening, and that’s part of what I love about this book.  It’s almost like it’s giving me permission to do what I’ve felt in my gut is right all along.  The lengthy conversations and explanations our daughter begs for.  Storytelling and asking questions together.  Playing and reading and supporting the kids in following through with their ideas.  Even though I feel like a very relaxed, flexible homeschool mama, my former life as a teacher, and, frankly (as much as I say it doesn’t) societal expectations, often get in the way of me just following my gut.

The Brave Learner will be a touchstone during this homeschool journey.  And I am overjoyed to discover all the other resources Ms. Bogart offers.  Her Brave Writer program, her podcast, her poetry teatime, for goodness sake.  I cannot recommend this book highly enough!