Category: Parenting

Ask Me His Name and A Bump in the Road

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

by Elle Wright

These books are not ‘light’ reading.  They are full of heartache and heartbreak.  At times I just sat there shaking my head thinking, There’s no way this is happening again to this couple.  And yet, even with these heartbreaking stories from her own life experiences, Elle manages pull in her reader with emotion, heart, and, surprisingly, even some humor.

I read Elle’s first book, Ask Me His Name, last year.  Reading the story of her and her husband having to say good-bye to their firstborn son, Teddy, at only three-days-old was heartbreaking beyond belief.  And while I will probably do a re-read to reflect on this first book a bit more here, I will reiterate that Elle’s writing style, despite the aching topic, is very approachable.  It’s a book I highly recommend to anyone who has lost a child or knows someone who has.  But I also recommend it to any human being.  I think finding well-written, soulful books that can help us empathize with others is always a good idea.

Reading or hearing about miscarriage or baby loss was a terrifying notion for me during my child-bearing time.  I’m not too far off when I say I was tempted to put my fingers in my ears and start singing loudly to myself at the mere mention of either of these topics.  My own experience with miscarriage began a big shift, as I had my own deep sadness to heal.  I realized how much I longed to talk about it, and I finally began listening and connecting with other women who had been through it too.  Then, during the past year, I went deeper, reading as much as I could on the unthinkable subject of baby loss after people close to me lost their sweet newborn boy.  While I don’t personally know this journey, it is one I’ve now opened myself up to learning about so I can find the best way to offer support and love.  This has allowed me to hold space in my heart for so many parents and families now.

As if the unimaginable heartbreak of losing a baby isn’t tough enough, I hear again and again how little support there is outside the circles of parents who have experienced such loss.  I think the idea of losing a baby is so painful to even think about that many people who haven’t experienced such unimaginable loss would prefer couples ‘move on’ from their grief so that *they* don’t have to have this on their heads.  While many of the comments and thoughts that others offer in these heartaching situations may come across as hurtful or even callous, I’ve also been trying to at least understand what’s behind it.  While I don’t always agree with people’s comments to bereaved parents, I think I see that people outside such a horrible situation just can’t even bare the thought.  It’s as if the bereaved parents need to ‘cheer up’ to make other people more comfortable.  It sucks, and I can’t imagine some of the comments thrown out to these already-grieving parents.  I often struggle with what to say and how to say it, and I’m positive I get it wrong sometimes.  And while I strongly believe saying something is better than saying nothing, sometimes there just really are no right words.  But I feel that books like Elle’s can at least start to lay the groundwork for others to gain more understanding, so we can offer more empathy and more support.

And just when I thought I was gaining at least some perspective on the aching topic of baby loss, I read Elle’s second book, A Bump in the Road.  I knew from looking her up online that Elle had welcomed a second child in 2020, and I was expecting this second book to be a story of her balancing her emotions of grief and anxiety and hope and joy.  And while she does address this towards the end of the book (Oh, how complicated that question is -“How are you feeling?” when you’re expecting a new baby after a loss or miscarriage), this book is mainly about Elle’s journey of infertility and miscarriage.  It is just as heartaching as the first and has given me a huge new empathy for the infertility journey many couples face.  As Elle openly shares their experiences play by play, it almost doesn’t seem real.  So much sadness and struggle.  Spoiler alert– the book does end with the safe arrival of their second child, but never for a second does Elle discount her firstborn or her two babies lost in between.  Her writing is so genuine and beautiful throughout, but it shines the most in her ‘letter to her former self’ at the very end of the book.

These books are tough reads.  People have busy lives and I completely understand not wanting to put yourself in such a heartbreaking space.  But, truly, these books have given me such a gift.  Through Elle’s willingness to share her experiences in such a heartfelt and open way, I feel like I can hold space and love for parents struggling with infertility and loss in a way that I just wouldn’t have even been able to wrap my head around before.  It’s horrible, but, sadly, we will all know people -or be people – who have these very real and very tough struggles.  Not everyone who goes through this will want to be such an open book (literally), and I 100% respect that, but I do think being able to hear from parents like Elle will help those of us on the outside find more empathy and understanding.  And those very unfortunate ones who do understand can hopefully feel heard, understood, and validated at a time when that might be rare to find.

For a brief summary of Ask Me His Name, try this article: “My Baby Died.  Please Ask Me His Name”

Are There Really More Miscarriages Nowadays?

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

I remember shortly after I had miscarried, an older woman I was sitting near at a party leaned over to talk with me.  I don’t know if she had overheard about my experience, but somehow she knew.  Instead of offering sympathy or support, however, she instead commented on how so many more women these days were miscarrying than in ‘her’ day.  I knew she just meant to make conversation, but I remember how much the comment stung.  I was in a fragile place and it felt as if this little tidbit she had offered was some sort of commentary about me.  About how being a woman of child-bearing age in today’s world somehow inherently put me at fault for this horribly sad thing that had happened.

At the time, I politely nodded and smiled, but it wasn’t until afterwards that I realized what absolute bullocks her comment had been.  My small amount of research on the topic, like anything on the Internet, shows varied and opposing results – some sites reporting an increase in miscarriages and some a decline.  But, common sense brings up some points that need to at least be taken into consideration:  Women today are equipped with so much more knowledge about their bodies and their cycles that if a woman is paying attention, she will most certainly know when something has shifted.  Add to that the ease and accessibility of earlier and earlier at-home pregnancy tests, and, of course, women these days know they are pregnant far sooner than those from the past.  Women from the past may have mistakenly thought they were bleeding mid-cycle or had what they thought were heavier periods and not even known they had miscarried.  Of course, not all miscarriages slide by this way, but certainly some women, even these days, miscarry without ever having known they were pregnant.  And it is very likely this happened to many women in the past as well.

The other part of this equation is the openness and platforms that women have today.  Topics that were once taboo or kept in tight circles are now talked about (by some) in much larger ways.  So, even when mothers of the past knew they had miscarried, it was probably not brought up in conversation.  Along with the fact that such things just weren’t shared, it also might have been feared or viewed as a failure of one’s body in some way and therefore not a safe thing to discuss.

Of course, there are certainly threats present in our modern society that might contribute to more complications.  But there were also challenges in the past that time has eliminated.  It doesn’t seem to me like there is a way to properly gather statistics about miscarriages over time.  So, will I ever know if losing my baby was part of the perils of living in this present day?  Not really.  But having known the vicious cycle of ‘what-if’s and self-blame that can follow a miscarriage, I do know that women who miscarry – past, present, or future – don’t really need statistics or analyzations, so much as they just need love and support.

It’s Been 7 Years

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

I had a miscarriage almost seven years ago.  I sobbed so much for that baby and that loss.  The miscarriage happened early on in the pregnancy.  I have a dear sweet boy whom I adore who never would have been here if I hadn’t miscarried.  It’s a very confusing thing for my head.  I don’t think about the miscarriage all that much anymore.  I feel like I’ve healed from that loss and from the traumatic experience that surrounded it.  We have a good and happy life, and I adore our kids beyond words.  So when I was going through some old paper files this week, I thought surely I was at a point when I could get rid of the massive file of paperwork we received from that horribly sad and scary hospital visit.

I don’t like clutter, and I’ve been able to part with many “sentimental” type items in recent years.  My current clutter problem is unfinished projects and the kids’ artwork and school papers.  (Ok, so, yes – sentimental stuff.) Anyway, the thought of storing a huge file of papers from an experience in my life that holds so much weight and emotion just sounds heavy.  Being an archivist by nature, I thought that taking pictures of some of the papers from that hospital visit would be a great balance of keeping the information without keeping the papers.

The file sat in a corner of my room all week waiting until I had a chance to go through it, take any pictures, keep maybe one or two of the pages for health reference, and get rid of the rest.  But I opened the file and broke into tears.  Does this mean I’m not ready or that I just need to process while I go through this?  I know there’s no timeline here, but I was genuinely surprised by the effect this had on me.  I let myself cry, and I realized I’m just not ready to get rid of these papers.  I didn’t really ask myself too many questions or try to push through anything.  And so, they’ll sit some more.  And I realize that’s ok.

 

You might also be interested in:
Infant Loss and Miscarriage

They Grow Up So…Slowly

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

Almost every parent you’ll ever hear from talks about how quickly their children grown up.  Or, they’ll quote the “days are long, but the years are short” bit.  But, as an “at-home,” homeschooling mama, I get to be with these lovely kiddos ALL. DAY. LONG. (plus nights).  Time doesn’t exactly fly.  Not to say I’m immune to the gut-wrenching, bittersweet feeling of our kids growing up.  Yes, of course, it’s wild to think about them as babies or toddlers and look at them now.  Yes, when I want to scream and pull my hair out and run away from them, my heart almost immediately aches at the thought of our limited overall time under the same roof.  But, I wouldn’t exactly say that their ages are whizzing by.  Other people’s kids?  Sure.  Even kids who are the exact same ages as mine, will lead me into mind-boggling disbelief when I realize how old they are or how much they’ve grown.  Friends’ kids, my siblings’ kids, celebrities’ kids?  Where did the time go?!  How are they so old??  But, my own little darlings’ timeline does not zoom by at the same rate.

Which is great, don’t get me wrong.  This time is an absolute blessing, and as frustrating as it can be at times, I seriously wouldn’t have it any other way.  But, because we’re in this unique position of spending so much time together, I just sometimes feel like I can’t relate to the tears of disbelief other parents might have upon their children’s birthdays or milestones.  I’m more like, “Wait, aren’t you already that age?  Cuz I really thought you were.”

So, I loved when a character from my favorite shows had this small, almost unnoticeable aside, while showing photos of her kids, saying, “They grow up so…slowly.”  And then I overheard the stay-at-home dad on Bluey say something to his daughter, like, “Aren’t you already six?”  And she assures him she’s not yet.  Yes!  Finally some parents who understand!  Maybe it’s a SAHP thing, because I also remember some lines from one of my favorite books, More Love, Less Panic that allude to this stretching of time that can happen with young children.  Maybe it’s because I’m given opportunities in my day to reflect on where the kids have been and where they’re headed.  Maybe it’s because I really, truly do NOT miss their baby/toddler stages AT ALL.  I don’t sit and weep over their old onesies.  Those were some of the toughest years of my life, and I am grateful to be past them.  But, whatever it is, it’s another of the zillion parent curses/blessings.  I’ll certainly cry and shake my head at this ridiculous post someday when my heart is aching at how much they’ve grown and how I don’t hear running and whining and screams of “MoOoom” from the next room.  I’ll always be grateful for this time I get to spend with our kids.  Even when this treasured time seems to c…r…a..w..l… by, minute by long minute.

 

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Time Travel at the Swings

Honoring a Baby Gone Too Soon

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

Whether a baby has left through miscarriage, stillbirth, or complications after birth, they deserve to be remembered, honored, and oh, so loved.  Often times people don’t know what to say or what to do to support a family who has lost a baby.  Death of a loved one is so very tough, and when it happens to someone’s child, it’s almost too heartbreaking to know what to do.  I assure you that the short, heartbreaking time you have calling the family or writing to them is nothing compared to the overwhelming grief they feel ALL. The. Time.  On reading about ideas of how to help after infant loss, I came across this #AdventToRemember idea.  I loved this family’s way of honoring their child, and I soon saw there were many other families doing the same for their children.  Although these ideas could definitely be part of a social media support group or specific holiday remembering, I collected some ideas from various sources simply as a list of ways to honor a child gone too soon.  Maybe you’ve been looking for a way to show your love and support of a family who has experienced loss; most parents would love to hear that their baby is being remembered and honored.  Maybe it is your own sweet child you are honoring.  Perhaps one of these ideas resonates more than others.  Do it once.  Or do it monthly or annually.  If you’re a friend or family member, do one of these as your own way of honoring a child or let the parents know with a short message or photo.  If you are the parents, maybe you’d like to share with loved ones what you are doing to honor your baby and invite them to participate.

Baby’s first years are usually filled with recognition of their monthly growth.  Maybe choosing one of these ideas each month could be a way of honoring a baby who has passed away.  Maybe also honoring a child on a holiday can help show your support.  People often think of Christmas or Thanksgiving as the big family gathering times that could use an extra dose of love and support, but other holidays can be painful as well.  Many parents have imagined the fun Halloween costumes their baby would wear.  Maybe a family has a big New Year’s party or backyard 4th of July gathering every year where they take a family photo.  I’m sure every day is unthinkably painful, but I imagine holidays, no matter which ones, and milestone days are especially rough.

I will continue to add to this list as I think of more ideas, but I’m hoping this helps someone, somewhere find inspiration for honoring a baby gone too soon.

–Lighting a Candle

Lighting a candle in honor of Baby is a simple way to honor them.  Maybe you’ll choose to light it on Baby’s date of arriving or leaving, maybe when you’re especially missing Baby, or maybe on a holiday.  In October there’s a beautiful Wave of Light ceremony to honor babies.  We have a designated candle we light to honor loved ones who have passed, but any candle will do.  If you’re a friend or relative of a couple who has lost a child, you might want to let them know in a short message that you’ve lit a candle to honor ____ (SAY their baby’s name here, if Baby was named).

–Donating a Book About Child Loss to a Library, School, Church, Home

Donating a book in Baby’s name would be a very special way to honor your loved one.  A book about infant loss might be an especially apt choice, since these books are often difficult to find.  Having access to a book addressing miscarriage or infant loss could be such a help to a grieving family.  Sometimes libraries are looking for display ideas.  Perhaps you could suggest a display of the books available about these tough topics.

–Writing Baby’s Name

Although it may feel unsettling at first to say Baby’s name (if they have one), parents love to hear their child’s name, even if it aches.  Hearing Baby’s name is a way of knowing that this sweet baby lives on in people’s memories and hearts.  Many parents or family members will write babies’ names in the sand.  This woman took sunset pictures for families who had lost their little ones.  If you don’t live near a beach, try writing Baby’s name in snow, dirt, with stones or leaves.  Do it for your own private moment of honoring or take a photo.  Photos can be framed or collected.  If you’re a friend or family member, take a picture of the baby’s name for the parents and let them know their baby is on your mind and in your heart.

–Participating in/Dedicating a Run

There’s definitely an energy and group spirit to doing a run, even if it’s a virtual one across the miles.  Maybe you could organize friends and family, whether local or long-distance, to run on the same day in Baby’s honor.  If you’re feeling inspired, consider getting small financial sponsorships that can be donated to causes that are important to the family.

There are also many groups who already have annual runs to support programs.  Here are just a few I found while searching:
My Miscarriage Matters
Running with the Angels
Love Never Ends

–Dedicating a Nature Walk

Not all of us are runners, so maybe consider dedicating a Nature walk to Baby.  This idea is more appealing to me than a run, because A) I don’t like running, and B) a walk or hike feels more contemplative and quiet to me.  Maybe you could choose something you see during your walk – a pinecone, a leaf, a stone – and bring it home and put it somewhere as a visual reminder of the baby you’re honoring.

–Donating to a Group that Supports Families Who Have Experienced Loss

Not every local area has a group to support families experiencing infant loss, but there are groups out there.  And some will ship or work long-distance with families.  In many cases, a donation can be made in a Baby’s name.
JLB Project
Empty Arms
Molly Bears
Twinkle Star Project

–Writing in a Journal/Writing a Book/Writing a Poem

This can be a very personal and private way of honoring Baby.  But many grieving parents have also written books or poetry to share with others.  Sometimes friends also write and create books to share in honor of their loved one’s babies.

–Blowing Bubbles

This can be a simple way to honor Baby.  Adults might find a release and peace with the act of taking such thoughtful breaths.  If young kids are involved, it may turn into silly playfulness, but that’s ok too.  Maybe remind the kids ahead of time that you’re going to start though by blowing some bubbles quietly and calmly, just for Baby.

–Doing an Act of Kindness

I love in the AdventToRemember project how many of the families choose to practice acts of kindness in honor of their babies.  What a wonderful way to pass on kindness and truly have Baby be a loving addition to our world.

–Bringing Them with You for the Day

Maybe there’s a special way to “bring” Baby with you for the day or week or always, whether it’s a photo or a piece of jewelry.  Or maybe as simple as writing their name on a piece of paper you carry with you.

–Creating an Altar

Whether it’s a wall of photos and poems and quotes, a quiet place to sit, or even a small token on the mantle, it can be healing to have visual reminders of Baby to keep them close to your heart every day.

–Planting Something

Not having much of a green thumb, I’m hesitant on this one, but many people plant flowers, trees, and gardens with great success in honor of their baby.

–Knitting a Blanket
Rachel’s Gift (As of this writing, still accepting and appreciating blankets.)
Bridget’s Cradles (faith-based)

–Sewing for Bears

Molly Bears offers weighted bears to families who have experienced loss.  They accept donations for sewn inserts, as of this writing.  (They were easy to contact and quick to reply, if you’d like to check before sewing and sending.)

–Volunteering for a Local Support Group

Check with a local support group.  Maybe they need help putting together care packages, reaching out to families, or organizing an event.

–Adding Baby’s Name to a Remembrance List

There are lists online and there are fundraisers with dedicated stones or bricks for names.  Either way, this is something that can be done to honor Baby.

–NICU/Hospital/Midwifery Donation?

(I’m still on my own journey of looking into this.  I didn’t realize at the time how rare and special it was that there was a local support group near us when I miscarried.  I see now that this isn’t always the case.  I’ve been in touch with our local NICU and hospital to see if there’s anything I can do to help or donate to local families who have experienced infant loss.)

There are so many ideas and options out there for honoring babies gone too soon.  Navigating something so big and so heartbreaking will have no paved road for anybody, but I think finding ways to hold these precious beings in our hearts in ways that feel right is the best we can do.  I am wishing anyone who has experienced infant loss a heartfelt and sincere hug.  Words escape me, but I send so much love.