Tag: Parenting

There’s No Such Thing as Bad Weather

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

2017
by Linda Akeson McGurk

I have to say, I am a total wuss about weather.  I’ve spent most of my life living in mild, warm climates.  I easily get “too hot” or “too cold,” and being a homebody anyway, it’s a safe bet that turning back to go into the house comes quicker to me than most.

All that being said, I KNOW in my heart the importance of being outside.  I can feel it.  When I was a kid and we were outside for recess or break, regardless of “weather” ( I will say heavily in quotes), I loved the feeling of wind on my face or a chill in the air or the warm sun shining down and heating my head.  As a grown-up, I have the ability to go in when it’s the slightest bit uncomfortable.  But, oddly, I miss the “uncomfortableness” of being outside in different weather.

Every time I read The Secret Garden, I vow to spend our entire days outside.  I want our kids to run and be out in nature.  Not only for their health and mental well-being, but as a way to connect with the natural world.  To love it and care for it.  Our world needs us as much as we need it.  Having people trapped inside and staring at devices all day isn’t doing our world any good for gaining supporters who will step up for our precious Mother Nature.  A huge disconnect has happened, and people don’t make the important connections about where their “stuff” is coming from and what will happen to it when they’re done with it.

I’m digressing though.  There’s No Such Thing as Bad Weather is the author’s story and exploration of children’s time with Nature.  Although her girls were born in the U.S., Linda was born in Sweden, where kids are encouraged to be outside playing, no matter the weather.  So, when her family has a 6-month stay in Sweden after news of a sick family member there, the author takes the opportunity to reflect on the different approach taken in her native country.

In Sweden, outdoor time, especially for children, is highly valued.  School tests and academics at ridiculously young ages are something this mom faced in her American hometown, but when her girls enroll in Swedish schools, the emphasis on play and Nature far outweighs stressful academic benchmarks.  Linda goes on to reflect on other parental issues, germs and technology and when to give kids more freedom.

This book has truly been an inspiration, and I hope to re-read it again soon.  Even as a parent who highly limits screen time, I find that, especially with Covid, our outdoor time has been lacking this past year.  Getting out of the house with the kids is TOUGH, and I appreciate that the author acknowledges she faces these same struggles too.  Sometimes, even just to step onto our front step feels like a major accomplishment.  But this book has helped me realize what I’ve known all along.  It’s always worth it.  I need to be okay with the getting-out-the-door battles or the risk that the outing will be a big, fat fail, because the times that do work are wonderful.  I think the more it can be habit and routine, the more likely it will happen.  And, yes, I agree, that when the kids have other kids to play with, instead of their old mama, they’ll be inspired to play outdoors more frequently and for longer.  It’s been a strange year for that piece of the puzzle.  But as far as Nature goes, it’s always there waiting, regardless of the weather.

 

You may also enjoy:
The Secret Garden
The Year of Living Danishly

Stuffed Animal Solution

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

Our kids have more dolls and stuffed animals than I’d care to admit.  But, as much as I’ve been tempted to downsize the collection in the past, they truly do love each and every one of these dolls very dearly.  The problem isn’t so much the darling dolls, it was the constant mess of them ALL OVER the floor.  I’m more ok than most are with untidiness, but there are breaking points.  I tried every solution I could think of.  And every solution I could find on the Internet.  I tried stackable bins and big baskets.  Shelves, drawers.  I knew the hammock thing would never work, but I thought it looked cute.  These animals are a part of daily life around here, and when our daughter wants one, she will dig to get it, with no second thought whatsoever to the other ones she’s thrown every which way in the process.  (I know you non-parents or those with “neat” children are thinking, “Just make your kid clean up the mess.”  Spend a day with our creative whirlwinds, and then we’ll talk.)

But, finally, one day a couple months ago, I woke up with a solution.  Huzzah!!  We have a ton of moving boxes in our garage.  I know we’ll need them again soon, but hopefully, hopefully, we won’t need as many when the time comes.  So, I grabbed six (was it six?) medium-size U-Haul boxes and set to work.  It was important to have the dolls be at a level the kids could reach and see easily, so I knew I wanted them off the ground.  The bonus benefit to this design is the storage for all those miscellaneous trucks and doll houses underneath.  I was so excited about this solution finally being “the one” that I didn’t take many photos along the way, but hopefully these give an idea of it, if you, too, have been looking for a stuffed animal storage solution.

  

I folded the side flaps inward on the three base boxes for support.  The top flaps went up to form the barrier for the animals.  The bottom flaps were cut and taped to the far side barrier walls, if that makes sense…

We were lucky to have a free corner in the room where this could go, but it could definitely work as a straight line too.  I think I used extra boxes laid flat across the top for more support.  Then I covered the doll area with fabric.  And, for good measure, I laid down some old baby blankets as well.  I am NOT a “Pinterest-perfect” type person, so the basic idea was more than enough to make me happy, but I suppose this idea could be taken to the next level by those up for the task.  Since these photos, I’ve taped some scrapbook-type paper on some of the bottom sections for less of a cardboard look, but that’s sort of an afterthought.

Dolls and stuffed animals are blissfully simple to put away now, and when the kids want a specific one, it’s fairly easy for them to look through without dragging all the others out.  I love LOVE this solution.  I get to REUSE cardboard, it’s simple and portable when we move, and best of all, it works!  So SO glad I figured out what works for us.

A New Holiday Helper

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

For ADULT eyes only!

As I mentioned in this post, I had very big hesitations about inviting Santa or other magical visitors into our home at first.  But once the decision was made, I delighted in watching our daughter enjoy the magic.  Her daily imagination and story playing amazes me, and so these visits just add to the fun.  She has always wanted to play that we were Santa or the Easter Bunny or any number of visitors who frequent our home.  And even as young as five, she inadvertently gave me clues that made me realize that she already knew the secret.  Darn.  I’ve been so careful.  And with no school or television that would have let her know, I was a little bummed, but impressed, she had figured it out so early.  But she continued playing along, with questions here and there.  And then came Halloween this year…

In the days leading up to Halloween, she began asking questions like, “Does Santa steal from stores?” because she’s been very curious about the company logos on some of the gifts.  And while I began her journey by making all Santa gifts homemade, I didn’t quite keep up.  Then the day before Halloween, the questions became more direct.  “How do Santa and Switch Witch know if they’re invited to visit someone’s home?”  I answered that Dada and I invited them when she was born.  “But where did you get their address?”  And so on.  I tried my best to answer vaguely, not getting too tangled in an intricate lie, while also allowing the story to go on if that seemed right.  But when she muttered phrases like, “I just don’t know if they’re really…” and then stopped herself, I knew it was time.

I cried thinking about how quickly the journey had gone.  Then, I second guessed it all and decided that Halloween and the upcoming visit from Switch Witch that night was definitely NOT the day for this conversation.  But that morning, she asked, “Are you sure you and Dada don’t just eat the candy and then leave a gift?  Tell me the truth.”  Those four words sealed it.  It was time.

I didn’t answer immediately, especially with Little Brother present and wanting to discuss it all with my husband and sob a bit.  But I typed up a general idea of what I wanted to say in a conversation.  And later in the day when Little Brother miraculously took a nap, we jumped at the opportunity.  It felt scary and awkward going into it.  A huge step in her growing up and, well, basically admitting we’d been deceiving her and her brother since birth.  But, I did my best to explain it clearly and gently.  She listened.  And then with each new question she asked about another magical visitor, I held my breath as I answered slowly and honestly.  And when it all sank in…

She was giddy with excitement!  Yes, the secret of Santa left our first-born completely thrilled!  Of course, it helped that she was invited to help us with the story for her brother.  She delighted in seeing where I keep future gifts, and when I explained the fonts and notes and back stories to her, she must have thanked me a dozen times for doing everything I’ve been doing.  Yes, it was pretty much best-case scenario.  Sometimes our headstrong, stubborn, loving, vocal kids are a lot to handle, but moments like this…well, they help a lot.

 

This was a letter I read awhile ago for future assistance with all this.  And below is the vague outline of what I, personally, said, although it was a conversation, rather than a letter.  (I definitely didn’t feel great about just improvising this conversation, without some idea of what to say):

(Quick background–Our daughter wrote to Santa last year asking if she could come to the North Pole this year and train as an elf.  There were lots of detailed questions she asked him in a letter about what to bring and if they had some healthier alternatives to just cookies and so on.  But it was arranged that she would leave with St. Nicholas on the 6th, travel to the North Pole, train as an elf for a couple weeks, and then return with Santa on the 25th.  My thinking, even a year ago, in letting this play out, was that by Christmas this year, she would probably be ready to be an “elf” of sorts with us.  As I said, there have been hints and big questions for awhile.)

*****

You have grown up so much, especially this year.  You’ve always been so much older than you are, understanding feelings and stories and concepts that most kiddos your age just aren’t quite ready for.  And this year, you’ve stepped up so much in your responsibility and your help with (Brother).  We’ve loved watching you grow.  As parents, it makes us so happy but also a little bit sad.  Does that make sense?

Well, these past several days you’ve been asking a lot of big questions about Santa and Switch Witch.  Daddy and I have been doing our best to answer, while talking with each other about if you’re ready to become a holiday helper.  You really wanted to be an elf this year, and I know there has been some concern about going with Covid and missing us.  Well, the truth is, when Mamas and Dadas choose to invite Santa into their homes, they themselves get to become elves, sort of. Santa and Switch Witch and the Easter Bunny are always alive in our hearts. They help us feel magic and help us believe in things we can’t see. But their work is done by us, by parents. We get to choose gifts and wrap them and present them as part of the magic of the holiday.

You will still get to have presents from all our special holiday visitors, and you can choose how you want to play part of the magic story – being completely surprised or also being a helper with us. Because the really cool part for you as an older sibling, is that now that you know this, you get to be an elf with us for (Brother), if you would like.

This is something we want to share with you because we know we can trust you to hold this information in your heart and still let (Brother) have these magic stories for as long as he holds them. And kiddos get to learn about Santa at all different ages. So, your friends or cousins might not know the secret about their parents getting to be helpers. So, we can’t say anything, ok?

But, if you have any questions, we’re always here. We just have to talk about it in secret. And you will still get to play in these magic stories; you will still have baskets and gifts from all our holiday visitors. It’s just now, you get also get a chance to play a new role in these stories too.

******
And so now, we have a new holiday helper!  The day or two after the Big Reveal, she had lots and lots of questions and new realizations.  But it’s calmed down.  Heading into holiday season she keeps telling me just how excited she is to know The Secret.  She has LOTS of plans, and now I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve just been replaced…

Jizo

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

I fell in love with a Jizo statue at a Japanese garden last fall.  Only after I had left did I read the meaning of these statues.  They are said to protect children.  And, more specifically, many articles say the Jizo statues look after children who have died before their parents or babies who are miscarried or aborted.

After my encounter with the garden statue and reading articles like this one, I knew that the Jizo was something very important to my healing and remembering.  Uncommon Goods had a darling Jizo that was much smaller than I realized, which was perfect.  (The Jizo is only just over 8 inches tall.)  We keep him (her?) inside and get to have a beautiful reminder of Jizo protecting all our children.  At a time in my life when I’m working to limit possessions and be particular about what we bring into our home, this Jizo has proven its value.  It brings me so much peace and happiness.

‘

 

You might also be interested in:

My Miscarriage
Pregnancy After Miscarriage

When to Encourage and When to Let Go

Posted on by keepinthesunlightblog@gmail.com

Our daughter has been dancing since she first saw The Nutcracker at age two.  No, I take that back.  She’s been dancing since she was in the womb.  Ever since she began moving in my belly, I always said, “This baby is dancing!”  We purposefully kept her away from formal lessons for many years, so she could just enjoy and fall in love with dancing and moving in ways that brought her joy.  Her love for dance radiates as she performs for us in the living room or at a park.  Her indoor shows are always complete with costumes and original choreography and delightful music.  But along with this obvious passion for dance, we’ve also been amazed at watching our daughter’s grace and natural abilities as a dancer.  Every parent thinks their kid is incredible, so I totally get that we are biased here, but her dancing leaves us (and other adults who love her) truly amazed.

Last year we moved and found a magnificent dance studio – Wonderfully kind owners who also have the talent and experience to help support dancers who have gone on into professional companies.  Teachers who teach and expect quality, while also being funny and gentle and human.  A great and safe community of supportive kids and parents. – Everything we could have asked for.

Granted, it’s been a strange year indeed, with the ending of the dance year being on Zoom and her first-ever recital being cancelled.  Very small prices to pay in the scheme of our world right now, but these things can be huge, especially for a new dancer.  Our feisty girl, who usually speaks her mind quite loudly and forcefully at times, approached me very calmly a few weeks before the dance year was ending and told me she’d like to finish out the session and then be done.

My heart sank.  My mind went reeling.  I never thought I’d be a parent who “pushed” their kid into doing something, but that’s all I wanted to do.  I know it doesn’t make sense, and there is no way to make this girl do anything she doesn’t want to do.  I’ve watched kids be miserable and resentful as their parents claim they can’t be “quitters.”  And that’s not the route I want to take.  As this attached article says:

“Many American parents are allergic to quitting. They’d rather raise a villain than a quitter.”

But when I actually found myself in the situation, it all became more complicated.  Here it is, the end of a session, perfect timing.  But, what about all her potential?  As an adult, can’t I see a few steps ahead?  Isn’t that part of my job?  Haven’t I heard almost every adult I know wish they had kept going with fill-in-the-blank when they were younger? (Although most often, for some reason, piano lessons.)  Would we be doing her a disservice just “letting” her stop, or is that just us respecting her wishes?

“Let’s take out the word “push.” It’s not a word that’s going to get you anywhere positive with your child. Instead, reframe this as “support.”

Is there a way you can support your child to take on these challenges with determination and courage?”

I love that she knows what she wants or doesn’t want and speaks her mind about it.  I want her opinion to feel as respected as it’s always been.  I also liked this from the article:

“It doesn’t really matter whether she dances. What matters is that you see this as an opportunity to support her in a clear-minded and compassionate manner.”

It’s always a case-by-case basis.  And reading the comments below the article was encouraging.  I feel like many of the parents I’ve met or overheard do have the “my-kid-will-do-this-because-I-said-so” mentality, so it was refreshing to read parents who felt otherwise.  Pushing kids to do something they’re unhappy in feels wrong.  But, I’ve also seen the joy and pride that can come to a person when they push through something difficult.  So, when do you encourage that and when do you let go?  One of my favorite bits in the comments was this:

“Ask yourself first who you are doing this for — your child, or you. This answer will guide everything else.”

And the answer to that question also feels complicated.  I never thought I’d be a parent living vicariously through my kids, but this kind of feels like I’m doing that.  I’ve never been as talented at anything as she is with ballet.  So, yes, I’m probably feeling this way about her leaving because it’s my own wish that she keep going.  I’d personally LOVE to be able to move and dance the way she’s able to.  Even watching her dance, I can get a hint of what a beautiful feeling it must be for her to express herself that way.  So, even though it feels like a selfish parenting reason at times, I also genuinely see the joy dance brings to her.  In this past year of finally taking dance classes, she’s gained new flexibility and strength and moves that she wouldn’t have otherwise had.  Continuing to put the time and effort into developing those skills would allow her to experience the thrill of being able to express herself through dance in heightened ways.  Right?  … Or am I just trying to convince myself or something?

So, we shall see how this unfolds.  Perhaps this is the end of her dancing journey.  Perhaps she’ll find another type of dance she’d prefer.  Perhaps she’ll keep dancing on her own and eventually want to go back to classes.  Perhaps she’ll change her mind tomorrow and none of this debating will be necessary.  It’s not that we haven’t talked with her about this–the reasons to stay or leave.  It does warrant more conversation.  But, if she ultimately wants to be done, then all we can do is take a step back and have faith.  Because it’s obvious this girl has gumption and passion and talent and strength.  Part of being her parent is guiding her and introducing her to things the best way we know how, but part of being a parent is also stepping back and letting her “write her own story.”

UPDATE