I had a miscarriage almost seven years ago. I sobbed so much for that baby and that loss. The miscarriage happened early on in the pregnancy. I have a dear sweet boy whom I adore who never would have been here if I hadn’t miscarried. It’s a very confusing thing for my head. I don’t think about the miscarriage all that much anymore. I feel like I’ve healed from that loss and from the traumatic experience that surrounded it. We have a good and happy life, and I adore our kids beyond words. So when I was going through some old paper files this week, I thought surely I was at a point when I could get rid of the massive file of paperwork we received from that horribly sad and scary hospital visit.
I don’t like clutter, and I’ve been able to part with many “sentimental” type items in recent years. My current clutter problem is unfinished projects and the kids’ artwork and school papers. (Ok, so, yes – sentimental stuff.) Anyway, the thought of storing a huge file of papers from an experience in my life that holds so much weight and emotion just sounds heavy. Being an archivist by nature, I thought that taking pictures of some of the papers from that hospital visit would be a great balance of keeping the information without keeping the papers.
The file sat in a corner of my room all week waiting until I had a chance to go through it, take any pictures, keep maybe one or two of the pages for health reference, and get rid of the rest. But I opened the file and broke into tears. Does this mean I’m not ready or that I just need to process while I go through this? I know there’s no timeline here, but I was genuinely surprised by the effect this had on me. I let myself cry, and I realized I’m just not ready to get rid of these papers. I didn’t really ask myself too many questions or try to push through anything. And so, they’ll sit some more. And I realize that’s ok.
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Infant Loss and Miscarriage