October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
I want to write more here – all the families and babies deserve words and space and so much love. At the current moment, all I can share are these links. Finding words on this is very tough.
Support After Miscarriage and Infant Loss
9 Women Open Up About Pregnancy Loss
Late Pregnancy and Infant Loss Resources
Other Posts That Might Be of Interest:
Honoring a Baby Gone Too Soon
Infant Loss and Miscarriage
This Changes Everything (2019)
During our month with Netflix, I’ve tried to be more focused about watching things from our list. I came across This Changes Everything and thought I’d just preview it for a few minutes to get a feel for it and then move on to something else for the evening. Well, an hour and a half later…
I really liked this film and think it is such an important one for people to see. This documentary discusses the underrepresentation and inequality faced by women in Hollywood. I think it’s important to note though, that the focus is on women. The stats, the interviews, the stories are about women in Hollywood. Looking at the low percentages of women writers or directors or female leads, I can only imagine how much smaller (to non-existent) that number is for people of color, transgender people, non-binary people, and so many more. And while this discrimination is obviously equally important to explore, This Changes Everything‘s focus is women. There were many criticisms I read about this in reviews, but I personally think it was important for the documentary to keep a focus. It would be like saying this film should have explored discrimination faced by women in all fields. The topic is women in Hollywood. Ok, moving on.
This Changes Everything was a big wake-up call for me. Even as it began, I seriously thought, ‘Oh, well, maybe this used to be the case, but certainly not now.’ But as more and more women shared their stories and statistics were given, I was shocked. I guess I didn’t fully realize things like why a big deal was made of Gerwig’s Little Women being directed, written, and produced by women. I don’t tend to watch a ton of movies and I can be a bit particular in what I choose to spend my time watching, so I’m not always ‘in the know.’ But, I think these low numbers would probably surprise most everyone. It’s interesting because I feel like the book world has made huge strides recently in representation. I can find everything from picture books to YA to adult about so many people’s stories. But, oddly, in the ‘open-minded’ Hollywood, this isn’t the case. And, as much as I far prefer and adore books, let’s be realistic – The average person is way more likely to experience story on the screen than in a book.
I can understand and appreciate that big change doesn’t happen overnight. So, seeing responses like these in this link of Hollywood women speaking up might seem awesome, but looong overdue. But I get it. It’s a process. Still, I was very surprised by the inequality that’s been happening in Hollywood this long. And when audiences continue to hear or see a story from a white, male perspective then that is what we think is the norm. I really loved Shannon Hale’s post about Do Boys Only Get to Read Half the Books? but it seems that female authors get more opportunities to storytell than females in Hollywood. It was interesting to think of that from the TV/movie perspective where the women’s perspective isn’t as readily an option. I heard several times in the documentary that studios weren’t sure if they were willing to risk telling a woman’s story for fear of losing half their audience. Seriously? So, much like Hale talks about, women are just expected to watch a male’s view, but men can’t do the same for women? (Or seriously, like I said, fill in the blank of any minority group.). Do we think so little of men?
And yet, another huge issue of (certain) men being at the helm of these productions has been the gross sexism and appalling behavior that women have had to deal with. Isn’t it fortunate for this male-centric bubble that the young female actors they most desperately want for these parts are also the ones trying so hard to navigate this new show-business world and become a success that they are more likely to put up with such bull crap? I loved one quote from the documentary – “Progress will happen when men stand. It’s the chivalry of the 21st century.” Although I don’t know much about FX, I loved seeing the male head of this channel really take it to heart that women and minorities were being so under-represented on the network. He did something about it. And, when big change and lots of change needs to happen, we really do need the help and support of people ‘on the inside.’ Much like the groups of men in the early 19th century whose votes would decide the fate of women’s suffrage. And to create change, we also need women to come together in community. So many of these male-centric stories have shown women pitted against one another in competition and that has influenced our culture. Even interviews will try to perpetuate this and keep women separate. We don’t all need to be BFFs, but women need to support each other and stand up for one another. Divided, alone, and silent is when we fall. We are stronger together.
And is this gender imbalance in production the same reason our cartoons have been so lopsided for so many years? Makes sense, I guess, if men are the ones writing and producing them. I remember when I was teaching elementary school, I used to do an exercise where I had the students think of a male cartoon character. Preferably a human-looking one for the sake of the exercise. What did he look like? What was he wearing? What were his hobbies? What did he spend his time talking about? And then, I asked them to do the same with a female character. Now, I know things have changed since I did this. I know they have. But, is it as balanced now as I’m assuming? At the time I was doing this with students, Tinker Bell had a huge comeback. This jealous, mean fairy from 1950s Peter Pan who wears very little clothing and spends a good amount of time pouting or playing mean tricks on the only other female? Yeah, her. (Link that is hilarious but rated-R) That is not a role model for young girls or an appropriate view of the female for any audience members. Characters like Tinker Bell are one of the reasons my children have not seen any of the classic Disney films. And, actually, it was the imbalance of females in cartoon movies that led Geena Davis (producer of This Changes Everything) to start her Institute on Gender in Media in the first place.
So, yes. We’ve had too many moments of “This Changes Everything!” in this and so many other aspects of the way our world is. But like that 100th monkey, I just have to believe that all these steps, whether small comebacks in an interview or large movements like MeToo and TimesUp, these will make a difference. And even though Hollywood, and specifically women in Hollywood, is one, just one, piece of a much, much bigger problem, every change helps. And whether we agree with it or not, people do look to movies, TV, and celebrities as guides from a young age and into adulthood. Seeing women’s stories, hearing women stand up for themselves, watching women finally be recognized for their talents and hard work, and not just the dresses they wear to the awards shows, these things all make a difference in how we all view ourselves and those in our lives. These people in Hollywood – actors, directors, writers, producers, interviewers, critics – they have great power and responsibility to create change.
1-minute video-Ask Better Questions
Tina Fey Talks About Hiring Women Comedy Writers
You might also enjoy:
Witches: The Transformative Power of Women Working Together
Women, Weight, and Hollywood Delusion
Trying on AppleTV is by far one of my favorite shows of all time. The show follows couple, Nikki and Jason, on their parenting journey. After finding out they won’t be able to get pregnant, the couple pursues the adoption path. Trying is full of reality, humor, and heart. Everything about the show comes together so beautifully—the wonderful scripts, the perfect casting, the seamless music, the locations, the direction. I’m beyond grateful for everyone who has been involved in making this heartwarming, beautiful show.
I have loved joining, not only Nikki and Jason on their parenting journey, but also all the other characters. Screenwriter/creator, Andy Wolton has an incredible ability to write all the characters of this show so well. He’s given the characters depth and humor in a way that makes them all so human. As much as I adore Nikki and Jason and their amazing chemistry, I can’t think of one character who wasn’t given a truly great story of their own in Trying.
Watch this show. Or don’t. But it rocks. And it’s one of the best things I’ve seen on television.
(Trying just wrapped up its 3rd season on AppleTV. Will it be the last? You know, I would take more if it came, but, as much as I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this show, I feel like Season 3 wrapped up the story quite wonderfully.)
Update: SEASON 4!! AHHHHH!
I don’t know when or where my 5-year-old picked this up, but lately, his favorite phrase is, “Why not?” Of course this statement is usually preceded by something like, “Let’s have a cookie, cuz, why not?” or “Let’s watch TV, cuz, why not?”
As adults, we have the life experience to always think of a thousand answers to the “Why not?” question. We can’t just jump on every whim or thought that crosses our minds. They could be dangerous or unhealthy or financially irresponsible. We don’t want to act on things that may cause eventual harm to ourselves or others or our world. We have the foresight to see the future consequences of our choices. So, “Why not?” becomes less of a fun philosophy and more of an actual consideration.
But, sometimes the things holding us back from certain goals or actions or trips are fears with no basis or an overthinking that can be safely quieted. I know that I can’t embrace my son’s philosophy on quite the same level as him and that part of my job as his parent is to help him find that balance too. But sometimes, every now and then, maybe it’s a good idea to look at that cookie or that idea or that dream and shrug my shoulders and say, “Why not?”
Can I just vent for a moment about how women’s weight is represented on television and movies? Yes, I know it’s ‘Hollywood.’ Yes, I know we’re to suspend disbelief for a lot of things that happen in TV and movies and that many of these productions are a space for their audiences to escape reality – a place where characters have funny, witty responses, where life is always interesting, and where loose ends are tied up in the time period allowed. I get that. But the way that women have been portrayed, and ARE portrayed, in these worlds has a long way to go. And dare I say, has some pretty damaging effects.
Gone are the days of TV house mothers vacuuming and cooking in their best dresses. Gone are the days of women on TV cracking jokes about how eating certain foods will go right to their thighs or hips. Nope. Somewhere along the line, it became ‘cool’ for female leads to be relaxed, eat loads of junk food, and act like strangers to exercise. Of course, all of the women playing these parts are thin and healthy, energetic and entertaining. Were we to watch an overweight, lethargic woman on TV eating pizza and dissing on health food, audiences would cringe and shake their heads in judgement. But by trying to make these women seem relatable and ‘fun,’ instead of obsessed with dieting and hitting the gym, media outlets have created even worse issues for women.
Carl’s Jr.’s degrading commercial campaign objectifying women eating hamburgers is one of the earliest instances of this obnoxious trend. If they showed women who did regularly indulge in those massive, fatty burgers, the ad campaign would have been over before it began (especially considering the stance of slimy, former executive, Andrew Pudzder). If we want women to truly embrace eating what they want and feeling secure in their bodies, then can we please show a realistic picture of what these lifestyle choices would look like? These women would be larger (aka “normal-looking”), and if they consistently ate the way many of these female TV characters ate, they’d also probably have some health consequences. I don’t mean this as a judgement – I fully support that these characters get to enjoy tasty foods -but many of these fictional females are repeatedly making unhealthy food and lifestyle choices without any sort of balance. Realistically, we’d see the effects of their long-term choices in their emotional moods, their energy levels, their bodies, and even other parts of their appearances, like their eyes or skin. (For reference, these ads, shows, movies, have spit buckets right out of view for when the director yells, “Cut!” This food is NOT being consumed by these women.)
There’s a long list of TV shows that have embraced this story plot of the gluttonous, but thin and beautiful woman. Some of them are shows I really enjoy, but the message sent is an unfortunate one. Grace Adler, the Gilmore gals, Leslie Knope, Liz Lemon, Jessica Day – I’m sure many, many others, but I have a limited knowledge of TV – These women love their takeout and junk food and sweets and it’s a big part of their characters to fully embrace this, while simultaneously being horrible at exercise and shunning the idea of eating healthy or even being able to cook a meal. Do we have to swing so far away from the stereotypical 1950s woman in the kitchen in order to reach a happy medium? Is it too uncomfortable to feature a woman who does enjoy cooking? Can we show women eating foods that keep their bodies healthy, in addition to showing them enjoy indulgences? Can these characters enjoy exercise without being overly-obsessed with it? Although I kinda get what these shows were trying to do, I cringe to see this idiotic idea that women should eat freely, not obsess about their health, and still look crazy thin.
I recently re-watched Bridget Jones’s Diary, a movie and book I love. The film starts with Bridget listing her weight as 136 and claiming that she needs to lose 20 pounds. Yes, pounds, because why list her weight in British stones when we American women can hear the utter absurdness of this number and goal and feel bad about ourselves? It’s not just that Bridget weighs a certain amount and has this strange goal for herself; the entire plot is centered around the fact that her weight makes her chubby and undesirable. For reference, her height and that weight put her exactly in the middle of a normal BMI. So, I’m sorry. But, what?! And the book is worse. She claims to be 129 “post-Christmas” and says she’s “terrifyingly sliding into obese” when she checks in later at 130. This book was written by a woman, who was also on the team of screenwriters. Umm…
Then, there’s Father of the Bride 2. Another of my favorite rom-com indulgences. Cute, predictable, comforting, and starring Steve Martin – a perfect Sunday afternoon escape. But when George Banks lists his daughter’s and wife’s 9-month weights as 128 and 132, respectively??!! It is hard for me not to type an expletive here. There were not one, but two women as screenwriters on this! These weights, with their heights puts them directly in the ‘normal’ BMI range WITHOUT being 9-months pregnant!! Depending on pre-pregnancy weight, a woman should usually be gaining 25-40 pounds in pregnancy, the higher end of that range reserved for those with low BMIs to start with. These women would have been severely underweight and unhealthy if these were their 9-month weights, which probably would have made it very difficult for the pregnancies to occur in the first place.
And just to digress a little bit here, inspired by FotB2 – Women’s pregnant bellies in movies and shows are laughingly small. I must bring up another Steve Martin movie, another favorite of mine, The Big Year. His daughter-in-law being pregnant is a small side story, but she looks rail thin when announcing she’s 4 months’ pregnant. And when she introduces (Steve) to her newborn, she’s the exact same rail thin. Any woman over the age of 20 (and who doesn’t live in Hollywood) and has had a baby, knows that you’re gonna look pregnant for some time afterwards. Weeks, months, years…whatever.
So, Huzzah to the idea that TV women should be able to enjoy food, and not just for comedic effect when they’re feeling down about a break-up or something ridiculous like that. But, for the sake of, well, everyone, regardless of gender, let’s paint a realistic picture of that. Let’s show people making healthier, balanced choices, or at least show the consequences of not doing that. Like it or not, audiences take these shows and movies into their subconscious and carry them for life. Young women may be seriously baffled by the fact that they can’t sit and eat piles of junk food, poke fun at people who use the gym, and then not look like Rory and Lorelai. Screenwriters, directors, actors, producers – whatever gender you are, stand up for this! This unrealistic picture of women is no better than the ones from the distant past. We can do much, much better.