The tales we tell our children should be ones that sit right with us.
Fairy tales belong to all of us.
Not only is it our right to make them our own as we pass them onto the next generation, it’s our obligation.
I wouldn’t say I grew up fascinated with fairy tales the way some people are. I grew up with the basic stories and the Disney-fied versions of them. But, since becoming a mama, I’ve been very drawn to them. Mostly -honestly- because many of my parenting books stress their value so much. There’s also the Einstein quote floating around the Internet, which may or may not be accurate:
“If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.”
I’ve never aspired for the ‘genius’ child or anything like that, but I found this quote intriguing, even if it’s only vaguely related to something Einstein once said. And so, I made it a quest to make fairy tales a part of our lives. I read Bruno Bettelheim’s book early on (for my own reading), which has its own set of controversies. I own several other books about fairy tales, which I’ve skimmed on my own, but never quite read thoroughly. I tried to push through the uncomfortable, violent bits of well-known fairy tales, holding fast to the idea that these stories were of value to children and that if I just read them in a tone without drama, the kids would see these scenes that adults find gruesome as a symbolic release for unexplainable feelings.
But, it just never sat right with me. What’s more, the portrayal of women in these stories cannot be disregarded. Many of the females are portrayed as silent bystanders to the action, awaiting someone else (usually a male, albeit a male without much of his own story) to change their fate. In at least two well-known tales, the woman is kissed while unconscious, without any consent. And the women who are powerful in these stories are portrayed as evil, jealous, and heartless. Meanwhile, on behalf of awesome dads everywhere, I also must mention that dads are given pretty horrible treatment in these tales as well. They’re usually quivering and spineless in the power of the cruel new wives they’ve chosen and do little to stick up for their children. So… not exactly the messages I want to send to our kids.
As a parent, I DO understand fairy tales on a much different level than I ever had. The “Never stray from the path” message that sounded so limiting as a child or even as a young woman who was imagining myself being a super relaxed mom someday…Well, I have actually said, almost verbatim, several times since becoming a mom, “Stay on the path!” Locking my kids up in a tower to protect them from the harsh realities of the world? My pre-mama self would shudder at this, but–Yes!! That sounds fantastic! (As Nikki says in an episode of Trying – “I know that you were saying wrapping them up in bubble wrap as some sort of criticism, but, Yes, I think that sounds perfect.”) Kind, soft-spoken mothers passing away after childbirth and being replaced by loud, upset, “scary mommies?” Yes, sadly, that sounds familiar on some days too.
And I can see how kids might relate to these tales as well. We might be asking them to pick up a small pile of toys or get their clothes off the floor, and they might see themselves in a ‘Cinderella’-type situation, being asked to do impossible tasks. And I’m sure kids have felt they’ve been left out of going to parties or events that their parents or siblings attend, just like poor Cinderella. Before having kids, I thought the phrasing of wanting to ‘gobble’ them up was just bizarre, but I’ve said this more times than I can count. So, children in these stories hearing that an adult wants to eat them? Yes, that probably resonates. Kids feeling like they are being ‘poisoned’ by the food we make for dinner sometimes? Yup. I’m sure. Worlds where magic helps characters out of sticky situations, and good and evil are so very clear–all of this sounds like the makings of great stories for children.
But, the Disney-fied versions of these aren’t something we let the kids watch and the watered-down versions of these tales we come across in ultra-“cuddly” books don’t seem to hold much substance. So, do I stick by the tales of cutting off feet to fit what a prince wants and a stepmother asking to eat the heart of her stepchild? hmmmm…
So, I approach these cautiously. I want my kids to be familiar with these tales that are such a part of our culture, and frankly, feel so familiar to all of us in our beings. But, I think the written versions of these oral stories must also be taken in the context of the time they were published and who published them. The Grimm brothers collected versions of these stories from the people in their social circles in the early 1800s. They originally did not collect these as stories for children and later edited them to make them more ‘kid-appropriate.’ Some edits, as Marina Warner points out, changed the way the female was represented. In an early version of Rapunzel, for example, Mother Gothel finds out about the girl’s visits with the prince when Rapunzel is confused by her growing (pregnant) belly, implying she’s had relations with him. Instead of a lesson in the importance of sex education for youth though, the Grimm Brothers found this inappropriate, and had the witch find out about the prince when Rapunzel rather idiotically asks her why she’s so much heavier than him to pull up the tower. This makes Rapunzel seem rather daft instead of someone who never received a lesson in sex ed.
Hans Christian Andersen’s tales must also be put in the context of the time and his life. While I’m not as familiar with his tales, the big one that sticks out is Little Mermaid where the mermaid gives up her voice to live on land and be with the prince. As usual, the Disney version wasn’t faithful to the original where the mermaid was seeking immortality more than the love of a prince, but still. This tale was written in Andersen’s life when the man (who many guessed) he loved, was marrying a woman. I can see how he might have wished to live in a different world to be with the one he loved, only to watch his love marry another (which ultimately happens in the original fairy tale). Unfortunately, Disney versions are so engrained in many modern minds, it’s hard to disentangle these from the classic fairy tales and what they meant in the context of their time.
My newest quest is finding other spins on fairy tales. I’ve been a fan of a few of these for awhile, but I’m ready to expand my repertoire. This allows me to introduce the basics of these fairy tales to my kids the way the public at large knows them (sort of *see above), but also to show them that fairy tales are evolving stories. We don’t have to stick to the Grimm Brothers’ versions of these tales or Disney’s. Who’s to say that the beautiful renditions of these stories by current authors can’t be the tales we pass down? Fairy tales were meant to be stories that change with the times and the audience and the situation. For so long I was stuck on being faithful to the “original” fairy tales, when I failed to see that being true to fairy tales IS to let them live and breathe and change. The tales we tell our children should be ones that sit right with us. (We aren’t talking fables here, that hit us over the head with a lesson (which I really don’t mind in their own genre), but tales that let us explore emotions and feelings in a safe place.). Fairy tales belong to all of us. Not only is it our right to make them our own as we pass them onto the next generation, it’s our obligation.
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