In my post about my miscarriage, I touched on what pregnancy was like for me after my miscarriage. While I understand everyone’s experience is vastly different, my pregnancy after miscarriage was a huge emotional roller coaster. I think many people, including myself, thought that a positive pregnancy test after what we’d been through would be a ray of sunshine and hope. And while there were those moments, for sure, there were also many, many moments of worry and concern over this new baby’s journey.
Just four months into this pregnancy, I began leaking fluids and panicked. I prepared myself for the worst and how I would be able to handle another heartbreak. All turned out to be fine, thank goodness, but this was one of many moments when I braced myself for the worst. Even at the birth, our little sweetheart had shoulder dystocia, a cord wrapped around his neck, and an arm positioned around his neck as he made his entrance. When I was finally done birthing, I pulled myself up, saw he was a boy, and collapsed, still holding onto the fear that perhaps he hadn’t made it.
I felt that fragility about his life for many days and weeks and months after he was born, and it sucked. Of course, as a mama, I want to have faith in my kids and their journeys and this world I’ve helped bring them into. I want to trust in their strong bodies and their resilience. But sometimes that’s just hard to do. And because of my miscarriage, that was REALLY hard for me to do for a long time.
Today, our little man is running around the house, happy and crazy and loving and so very loved. He is very strong and healthy and loves to show us how fast he is. I’m still a mama who worries, probably more than most. But, that panicked feeling I used to carry as an undercurrent has finally subsided. And that is truly a blessing in and of itself.
One of the trickiest things I remember when I first got pregnant five months after the miscarriage was how to announce the news to my family. It felt so much more weighty than a typical announcement, and so this is the letter I wrote:
I’ve learned so much this year. What outwardly might sound like such a heart-breaking thing – a miscarriage – has actually left me with deep gratitude and so many opportunities for growth.
~I’ve learned our sweet spring baby signed on for a most courageous journey that helped and continues to help shape our lives.
~I’ve learned you can love a soul with all your being, even though you’ve never met.
~Despite some of my hesitations about Western medicine or hospitals, I’ve learned that the doctors, nurses, and staff I saw in June were Angels doing God’s work with skill, kindness, and compassion.
~And despite my extreme squeamishness about blood and needles, I’ve learned that whenever and wherever I can, I will be donating blood. I will always remember the feeling of most profound gratitude as I watched someone else’s blood enter my body and save my life.
~I’ve learned that many, many women and families have their own sad stories. Friends and acquaintances came out of the woodworks sharing their miscarriage experiences with me. There is no “safe zone” in pregnancy or in life. All you can do is breathe, love, have faith, and be present.
~Even though I used to skirt around other people’s tough topics, I’ve learned that many people really do want to talk about stuff. That’s all I’ve wanted to do. When other people are brave enough to ask how I am doing with everything, they don’t make me sad. They invite me to talk. To process. To heal.
~I’ve learned that once a woman reaches age 35, she will likely be bombarded with frightening medical stats and exhaustive risk lists if she so much as thinks the word, “pregnancy.”
~I’ve learned just how incredible our friends and families are. In a situation where other women may have regretted sharing their baby news early on, I was so grateful we had. The outpouring of love and support helped more than I can say.
~I’ve learned that (our daughter) is even stronger than the tough little cookie I had already known her to be. She stayed up all night in the ER this June with zero fussing or meltdowns, watching her mama during some very intense moments. She came through everything with an effortless and deep understanding of what our baby’s soul had signed on for. This very proud and loving Big Sister kissed my belly for months and months after the miscarriage to send the kisses to Baby in Heaven.
~I’ve learned that (my husband) is more supportive than I ever thought possible. He radiated calm and reassurance when I needed it, despite the panic he later admitted to feeling. He’s literally been a shoulder to cry on—loud, deep sobs I never knew existed. And all the while he’s here, listening, loving, and supporting what I need to work through, while processing his own stuff as well.
~I’ve learned that even though Baby was only here 10 1/2 weeks, Baby will be in our hearts forever. There’s no forgetting, no replacing.
~For many months, I viewed my experience as an example of powerlessness and weakness. I’ve learned now to start viewing it as quite the opposite. To suddenly lose our baby’s life and come so close to losing my own. To physically experience what I did and come through it. To take such an experience and look right at it and feel the sadness and loss and fear, instead of ignoring them…These are all examples of my body and soul’s strengths.
~I’ve learned that in the place I was fractured, my soul is growing back stronger.
I write all this so you know where I’m coming from…still processing, still healing, still a messy, wonderful, crazy mix of emotions and thoughts—sadness, relief, anxiety, gratitude, fear, confusion, comfort, faith, insecurity, hopefulness…
But the only one that really matters right now, the only one I can let win out right now is love. Love for so many things. Love for so many people, friends, and family. Love for (my husband) and (our daughter) and myself. Love for our sweet spring baby who will always be in our hearts…
…and Love for our new baby growing in my tummy now!
Will you join us in loving this new baby?
-estimated arrival July/August-
When I had my miscarriage, I scoured the Internet for articles and information. I wanted to read other people’s experiences and not feel so alone.
When I got pregnant after miscarriage, I did the same, but found surprisingly little. I wanted to post this for my past self and for anyone who might be helped by it, even a little bit. Sending out so much love.
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